Black Bean Patties

Where do I start? Iron? Premature boozin'? Frozen processed meat alternatives? I don't know. I'm tired. The point I really want to get across here is that this creation shouldn't be called fucking "burgers". While if you look up a definition of "burger" on the internet, I'm sure it will have some secondary catch-all along the lines of, something similar to beef in a patty form, or whatever, but fuck that. I'm fairly sure that "burger" short for "hamburger" comes from Hamburg, Germany. No matter what the etymology, I don't think the fuckers who named the hamburger ever intended on mashed beans being allowed to share a name with the meal of ground bovine flesh. At the same time, I suppose it doesn't really fucking matter. I'm just sayin', I haven't had a burger in over two years, and I'll probably never have one again, but I will eat the fuck out of patties made from a bunch of different shit.

I had my first black bean "burger" at Earwax (RIP) in Wicker Park/Bucktown. I remember thinking, "this doesn't taste like a burger, but it tastes good." Maybe that's why I have this disdain for the word "burger" when you are referring to anything other than meat. It's misleading. That's totally it. Anyway, it didn't change my life, but it definitely opened my eyes. It was a damn good sandwich and I've tried endless amounts of black bean sandwiches since.

I could type and type about how iron helps carry, store, and use oxygen throughout our bodies, or that you should eat beans with sweet potatoes so your body absorbs the iron properly, or that meat is a better a source of iron because it is easier for your body to absorb it, but nobody really cares and if they do, then they can send me an e-mail or a hand written letter or ... School sucks. I'm so fucking tired.

Really though, fuck getting iron from meat. Sometimes you don't do what is easiest because you fucking love big dumb animals. Besides, black bean sandwiches are delicious, super easy to make, and wont fucking kill you if you don't cook it well enough.

Black Bean Patties

-2 cans black beans (or 1 black and 1 white because you don't have 2 cans of the same bean)

-1 onion

-uhhhh  2 big spoons of ground flax

-uhhhhh 1/4 cup water cup of water (or as needed)

-A bit of olive oil

-garlic clove (optional)

-garlic powder (optional)

-salt (optional)

Put the flax in a small bowl and pour the water on it. Mix it up and set aside. It will turn into a semi gelatenous substance that looks like this (not that much, though. I used way too much):

Dump the cans of beans into a strainer and rinse the fuck out of them (now, I'm trying to keep this simple so I didn't use a blender, but if you have one throw about 1/3 of the beans into it and put the rest in the biggest bowl you have). If you do not have a blender, dump all the beans in the big bowl. Cut off two slivers of a whole onion and set to the side so you can throw it on your sandwich at the end. Chop the rest of the onion into baby dick sized pieces. Saute those fuckers. I used agave and balsamic to really caramelize 'em, but as usual, you don't have to use anything. Take them off the burner once they are nice and brown, so they can cool.

Combine the cooled onions, your flax binder, beans, and spices (I ended up just using garlic and onion salt) in to your big ass bowl. (If you are using the blender method then you should add the flax to the little bit of beans in the blender until uniform. Then add that to everything else.)

Mush it up with your hands and form patties (yields 6. 1 not shown).

While cooking your onions in olive oil was optional, this time you are going to have to heat up some oil in the pan so your patties wont stick. So, heat up oil and throw your patties on the fucking pan. Keep it at a medium heat. 3 or so minutes for each side. These things are obviously pretty delicate, but don't be a baby if they don't stay in the form of a patty, they'll still taste great. *EDIT- after sitting in the fridge for a night they actually hold up pretty well.*

Assemble your sandwich. Go get some good bread. Man, good bread is good.

Fake cheese and fake mayo- I really do like how they taste, but I don't really use it for healthful reasons.

This isn't my best recipe. It really kind of needs those extra ingredients everyone else uses that I left out-  potatoes, quinoa, oats, eggs instead of flax or something to help make it less of a ball of mush, but the pictures looked good so I decided to post it anyway. One thing I didn't expect was that the raw onions on top was pretty important. Flavor combos. Shit. Rather than making a side of fries or eating chips, I just threw an extra patty on some kale with bbq sauce and devoured it all.

I need to figure out a way to organize this better. You know, like here is the simple recipe, here is the advanced version kind of thing. This was way too long and seemed too serious. Did I mention I'm tired?