Black Bean Patties

Where do I start? Iron? Premature boozin'? Frozen processed meat alternatives? I don't know. I'm tired. The point I really want to get across here is that this creation shouldn't be called fucking "burgers". While if you look up a definition of "burger" on the internet, I'm sure it will have some secondary catch-all along the lines of, something similar to beef in a patty form, or whatever, but fuck that. I'm fairly sure that "burger" short for "hamburger" comes from Hamburg, Germany. No matter what the etymology, I don't think the fuckers who named the hamburger ever intended on mashed beans being allowed to share a name with the meal of ground bovine flesh. At the same time, I suppose it doesn't really fucking matter. I'm just sayin', I haven't had a burger in over two years, and I'll probably never have one again, but I will eat the fuck out of patties made from a bunch of different shit.

I had my first black bean "burger" at Earwax (RIP) in Wicker Park/Bucktown. I remember thinking, "this doesn't taste like a burger, but it tastes good." Maybe that's why I have this disdain for the word "burger" when you are referring to anything other than meat. It's misleading. That's totally it. Anyway, it didn't change my life, but it definitely opened my eyes. It was a damn good sandwich and I've tried endless amounts of black bean sandwiches since.

I could type and type about how iron helps carry, store, and use oxygen throughout our bodies, or that you should eat beans with sweet potatoes so your body absorbs the iron properly, or that meat is a better a source of iron because it is easier for your body to absorb it, but nobody really cares and if they do, then they can send me an e-mail or a hand written letter or ... School sucks. I'm so fucking tired.

Really though, fuck getting iron from meat. Sometimes you don't do what is easiest because you fucking love big dumb animals. Besides, black bean sandwiches are delicious, super easy to make, and wont fucking kill you if you don't cook it well enough.

Black Bean Patties

-2 cans black beans (or 1 black and 1 white because you don't have 2 cans of the same bean)

-1 onion

-uhhhh  2 big spoons of ground flax

-uhhhhh 1/4 cup water cup of water (or as needed)

-A bit of olive oil

-garlic clove (optional)

-garlic powder (optional)

-salt (optional)

Put the flax in a small bowl and pour the water on it. Mix it up and set aside. It will turn into a semi gelatenous substance that looks like this (not that much, though. I used way too much):

Dump the cans of beans into a strainer and rinse the fuck out of them (now, I'm trying to keep this simple so I didn't use a blender, but if you have one throw about 1/3 of the beans into it and put the rest in the biggest bowl you have). If you do not have a blender, dump all the beans in the big bowl. Cut off two slivers of a whole onion and set to the side so you can throw it on your sandwich at the end. Chop the rest of the onion into baby dick sized pieces. Saute those fuckers. I used agave and balsamic to really caramelize 'em, but as usual, you don't have to use anything. Take them off the burner once they are nice and brown, so they can cool.

Combine the cooled onions, your flax binder, beans, and spices (I ended up just using garlic and onion salt) in to your big ass bowl. (If you are using the blender method then you should add the flax to the little bit of beans in the blender until uniform. Then add that to everything else.)

Mush it up with your hands and form patties (yields 6. 1 not shown).

While cooking your onions in olive oil was optional, this time you are going to have to heat up some oil in the pan so your patties wont stick. So, heat up oil and throw your patties on the fucking pan. Keep it at a medium heat. 3 or so minutes for each side. These things are obviously pretty delicate, but don't be a baby if they don't stay in the form of a patty, they'll still taste great. *EDIT- after sitting in the fridge for a night they actually hold up pretty well.*

Assemble your sandwich. Go get some good bread. Man, good bread is good.

Fake cheese and fake mayo- I really do like how they taste, but I don't really use it for healthful reasons.

This isn't my best recipe. It really kind of needs those extra ingredients everyone else uses that I left out-  potatoes, quinoa, oats, eggs instead of flax or something to help make it less of a ball of mush, but the pictures looked good so I decided to post it anyway. One thing I didn't expect was that the raw onions on top was pretty important. Flavor combos. Shit. Rather than making a side of fries or eating chips, I just threw an extra patty on some kale with bbq sauce and devoured it all.

I need to figure out a way to organize this better. You know, like here is the simple recipe, here is the advanced version kind of thing. This was way too long and seemed too serious. Did I mention I'm tired?

Whatever Is In The Fridge Tacos

Everybody has some shit in their fridge that they want to use, but don't know what to do with it. My solution to this life threatening dilemma is to turn it into a taco. Tacos are so fucking good. I eat tacos about 4 times a week. I am the fucking picture of health because of it. Here is why:
 

  Whatever Is In The Fridge Tacos

  Ingredients:
-That thing in your fridge you want to use
-Corn Tortillas (or flour, I guess. If you want to put useless fucking garbage into your body)
-Chili Powder (optional)
-Onions (optional)
-Cilantro (NOT A FUCKING OPTION. Cilantro rules.)
-salt

Chop up the stuff. Put a pan on top of a fire for a minute. Throw the chopped stuff in that pan. You can use oil, but you really only need it for stuff that sticks to a pan. You would be surprised at how many foods sweat and don't stick naturally, PLUS it doesn't taste like fucking oil. Fuck oil. Potatoes are a good example of something you do need oil for. Put chili powder all over it. Put the hot food on a tortilla and eat it with some sauce or not. 

 

This could also be called the Whatever Is In your Fridge Sandwich, Burrito, or Pizza, but I'll save those for other recipes and we can pretend they're new.

Another go to option for me is  a"fajita". I don't really know what constitutes a fajita, but I ALWAYS have a butt load of onions. So, if I ever have mushrooms and peppers in the fridge, you can expect some fucking fajita farts. You know what, that'll be another recipe. This shit is easy.

 Anyway, last week I had a rutabaga because I am like an infant in a grocery store and just grab shit and throw it in my cart. I don't know what the fuck to do with rutabagas, so instead of looking shit up on the internet I threw it, carrots, and onions in a pan. Then I put my Fall Salsa on it and very sincerely enjoyed it. When food tastes SUPER good and it's practically all vegetables, you want to quit wearing deoderant and believe in a god.

I need another blog to post things that I want to say, but shouldn't. Like:

Sometimes combinations of foods you've tried before taste like something new and it feels so good. Like, what I imagine Christopher Columbus felt like when he was raping Native Americans. (You know, because I'm discovering something, and we all pretend like he discovered something. That's the connection I am inferring.)

I mean, that doesn't really hurt anyone, but I still feel uncomfortable about it.

Now, go make a taco.

 

 

Fall Salsa

Salsa fucking rules. Unfortunately, tomatoes already taste like solid piss this time of year, so instead of remaining on my knees at the unmerciful industries that preserve our produce to the point where it's indistinguishable from human excrement, I adapted the recipe to utilize what is actually IN season. Apples are SO in season right now that you should wear them. Sweet blogger humor, amirite? Shut the fuck up. 

This time last year, if you said, "APPLE." An image of a Red Delicious would pop into my head. I don't love to assume (yes I do, because I'm usually fucking dead on), but I'm betting a lot of people think the same thing. For 25 fucking years I was under the impression that that was what apples were suppose to taste like, Red Deliciouses. They should rename it to Red Piss, because that is what they taste like. Fuck renaming it. They should take every Red Delicious seed that exists, bury them all in fucking Texas, and nuke them. I love my parents, but I respect them so much less for allowing me to think that is what any human should consume. Then, at some point, I want to say January of this year, a friend handed me an Organic Pink Lady. He was all, "you have to try this" and I was like, "eh, I don't give a fuck about apples, really, but I'm not a fucking dick, so thanks, I'll try it."

My reaction to the first bite would most likely be best represented by a meme of a baby animal caught with a shocking look on its face even though it was probably just a coincidence and the Internet fucking tricked you into believing something that isn't true just like the government, food industries, and everyone else in the world does everyday, but I would rather type what I just typed.

It tasted like candy. It tasted very close to a green jolly rancher. I never... I fucking... I had to call my mother and yell at her. Then I talked about it for months.

It is nearly a year later, now I work in produce and have tried a bunch of different apples, and you should too.

I used Gala apples for my salsa because they are a neutral apple. Neutral apple? Not too sweet. Not too tart. If you weren't subjected to Red Delicouses your whole life, you would probably already know that.

 Fall Salsa

Ingredients:
-2 or 3 APPLES (just don't use Granny Smith or Red or Golden delicious because those are fucking awful no matter what time of year)
-1/2 a small red ONION (or any other onion because who gives a fuck?)
-as much JALAPENO as you can hang with (...or any other pepper because who gives a fuck?)
-CILANTRO (If you give a fuck... and you do. Cilantro is amazing)
-LIME (Also, only if you give fucks. I use half a lime.)

-SALT
 

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING INGREDIENTS. ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

Cut it all the fuck up. Like, when you think it's small enough, fucking cut it some more. Throw it in a bowl. Mix it up with your fingers. Spoons are for babies. Eat it with everything.
 

I've made variations of this about 4 times this month in large quantities and it only tastes better after you let it sit in the fridge for a day.

In a previous post, I divulged my disinterest in fruit. It is recipes like this that help people like me reverse ailments such as fuckfruititis. I never give myself time to eat in the morning, so this is great to have sitting around. In my irritable, misanthropic morning state you can often find me with a bag of tortilla chips, scooping this salsa right out of the fridge. I immediately transform into a benevolent sack of energy with intentions only of selfless righteousness and compassion. 
 
As it turns out, if YOU eat this for for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all of your sins are absolved because heaven exists and you are fucking invited.

Tomato Mango Dressing

I would wait until next year to make this one, but fuck is it good.

People are so fucking stupid. Dressings are TERRIBLE for you and you punish your delicious salad by dowsing it in processed, oily, cute baby animal tears filled, liquid garbage. I stole this from some chick on the internet who was really annoying. Honestly, she might have used a peach, Or I used a peach because I didn't have a mango at the time. I have no idea. You can use either:

Tomato Mango Dressing

1 Tomato
1 Mango

or maybe

1 tomato
1 peach

Fuck it:

1 tomato
1/2 a peach
1/2 a mango

Blend it. Put it on stuff. You may add salt, but it is not necessary.

Dessert for breakfast.

I don't really like fruit... or I didn't until recently...

I've never really been hungry and thought, "a fucking piece of fruit would hit the spot right now." Yet for the last few years I usually forced a banana or apple down my throat (insert typical ignorant remark here) just so I didn't feel like I was starving on the drive to school or work.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," You will say without actually thinking about it, and then follow up that thought with, "it gets your metabolism going." Again, without having any real knowledge of how your metabolism works or what it means. None of this is wrong, you're just doing it wrong. Breakfast is important, but you don't need to make it a meal in the modern sense of the word. So what is the answer?

Smoothies.

I'm not a fan of poking fun of sexual orientation, but smoothies are the gayest fucking thing you could make. So what? For some reason that banana I didn't care to eat in the morning tastes AMAZING after it's blended with some berries and an apple. I don't understand the science behind it, but I think of it like combining King of Queens and True Blood. Both of those shows fucking suck. Together, it would probably be a lot more interesting. I could easily come up with 20 simple smoothie recipes, which, at some point I may, but for now, here is a very simple smoothie that will make you question whether or not you like dick.

A Fucking Smoothie

1 banana
1 apple (preferably organic. They do weird shit to apples)
1/2 a handful blueberries
1/2 an orange (peeled, ya nincompoop)
some water (don't fucking ask me about milk or yogurt. It's gross. I know, I know... what about almond, coconut, hemp, rice, flax, etc milk? They put weird shit in that too. Make your own flax milk and then we can talk.)

Blend that shit! Add water until you have your desired thickness. I put a ton in. I want to drink it, not eat it. I have found that if you start with a banana, you can throw in any other fruit in any other quantity and it's going to be good.

Things to consider adding because they are super good for you:

Flax seeds(ground, your body doesn't break down whole flax well, apparently.)
Chia seeds (not ground, these will form a gel around the outside of the seed when it is submerged in liquid.)
Ginger
lime and other citrus
Greens (you will not see any veggie smoothies on this website. I eat a fuck ton of vegetables, I don't drink them unless someone else juiced them for me. Oh yea, I don't make my own juice. While it is SUPER good for you, it is a pain in the fucking ass.)

Why are these things good for you? Ask me later. No, seriously, I will totally give you quick, informed answers.

Sour Cream and Onion Dipshit

This is one of my first and favorite recipes. It's so simple you will feel mentally challenged. I don't remember where I got the idea for it. I think I "followed" some other recipe for something wildly different, but with similar spices. I remember thinking, "this fucking tastes like French Onion Sun Chips!" So, I did what any man of god would do,  I turned it into a dip, made it super fucking healthy, and free of cute baby animal secretions.


That Onion Dip Shit

- 1 Avocado
- like a quarter of an onion
- some nutritional yeast
- dill
- salt.

Blend that shit. Don't have a blender? Mash it up with your hands (Blenders are a wise investment, though, if you give a fuck about food and making shit easier for yourself). Shove it in your fucking mouth with whatever else is delicious. I eat it like soup.

If you are unfamiliar with nutritional yeast, just go to whole foods, lick your finger and stick it in the bulk bin marked "nutritional yeast." Put that finger in your mouth and see if you like it. Actually, I don't know if I would do that. I like it on it's own, but it is definitely something that compliments other shit. I don't even know how I feel about its nutritional value. Vegans use it to replace cheese. None of it matters, though, because this dip wouldn't taste like the end of a bag of sun chips if it wasn't in there.

While you are at the market pick up some fresh dill. I know what you are thinking, "BUT I HAVE SOME DRIED DILL IN THE FUCKING BACK OF MY CABINET FROM WHEN I WAS SIX!" Well, you are not six now and fresh herbs not only taste like they were intended for you to eat them that way, but they are fucking good for you. I swear. Look it up.

ANOTHER Food Related Blog?!

Intentions: Easy, healthy, and delicious recipes. I know, super fucking original, right? Well, people seem to like this trash, and I'm the king of garbage, so here we go.

First of all, I need to express that I feel like 95% of recipes should be taken with a grain of salt (pun fucking intended). Seriously, people like my mother who read a recipe like it's an incantation that will save a baby goat from being slaughtered make me laugh... and cry because it's so mindless and boring. I have always looked at recipes for the ingredients. Usually, I don't write them down and what I remember ends up in the final product. This is how they became my recipes. Everything is a derivative of something else and that goes for everything in this world.

So don't complain if my proportions aren't perfect. I don't use a measuring cup unless it's for rice. You don't fuck with rice.

If you fuck up the portions, who gives a fuck? You wasted 5 bucks because you over seasoned your food. That's called learning and although I know it is foreign to most people, it's totally encouraged.

I will TRY to keep the recipes simple and healthy, but I don't subscribe to ANY convictions. There is NO right or wrong in this life.  Vegan, not vegan, healthy, not healthy, simple, complex... I eat it all and just lean certain ways.

Nobody wants to read a preface. On to the combinations of ingredients that make things taste like more complex things so your tongue isn't bored...