Fall Salsa

Salsa fucking rules. Unfortunately, tomatoes already taste like solid piss this time of year, so instead of remaining on my knees at the unmerciful industries that preserve our produce to the point where it's indistinguishable from human excrement, I adapted the recipe to utilize what is actually IN season. Apples are SO in season right now that you should wear them. Sweet blogger humor, amirite? Shut the fuck up. 

This time last year, if you said, "APPLE." An image of a Red Delicious would pop into my head. I don't love to assume (yes I do, because I'm usually fucking dead on), but I'm betting a lot of people think the same thing. For 25 fucking years I was under the impression that that was what apples were suppose to taste like, Red Deliciouses. They should rename it to Red Piss, because that is what they taste like. Fuck renaming it. They should take every Red Delicious seed that exists, bury them all in fucking Texas, and nuke them. I love my parents, but I respect them so much less for allowing me to think that is what any human should consume. Then, at some point, I want to say January of this year, a friend handed me an Organic Pink Lady. He was all, "you have to try this" and I was like, "eh, I don't give a fuck about apples, really, but I'm not a fucking dick, so thanks, I'll try it."

My reaction to the first bite would most likely be best represented by a meme of a baby animal caught with a shocking look on its face even though it was probably just a coincidence and the Internet fucking tricked you into believing something that isn't true just like the government, food industries, and everyone else in the world does everyday, but I would rather type what I just typed.

It tasted like candy. It tasted very close to a green jolly rancher. I never... I fucking... I had to call my mother and yell at her. Then I talked about it for months.

It is nearly a year later, now I work in produce and have tried a bunch of different apples, and you should too.

I used Gala apples for my salsa because they are a neutral apple. Neutral apple? Not too sweet. Not too tart. If you weren't subjected to Red Delicouses your whole life, you would probably already know that.

 Fall Salsa

Ingredients:
-2 or 3 APPLES (just don't use Granny Smith or Red or Golden delicious because those are fucking awful no matter what time of year)
-1/2 a small red ONION (or any other onion because who gives a fuck?)
-as much JALAPENO as you can hang with (...or any other pepper because who gives a fuck?)
-CILANTRO (If you give a fuck... and you do. Cilantro is amazing)
-LIME (Also, only if you give fucks. I use half a lime.)

-SALT
 

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING INGREDIENTS. ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

Cut it all the fuck up. Like, when you think it's small enough, fucking cut it some more. Throw it in a bowl. Mix it up with your fingers. Spoons are for babies. Eat it with everything.
 

I've made variations of this about 4 times this month in large quantities and it only tastes better after you let it sit in the fridge for a day.

In a previous post, I divulged my disinterest in fruit. It is recipes like this that help people like me reverse ailments such as fuckfruititis. I never give myself time to eat in the morning, so this is great to have sitting around. In my irritable, misanthropic morning state you can often find me with a bag of tortilla chips, scooping this salsa right out of the fridge. I immediately transform into a benevolent sack of energy with intentions only of selfless righteousness and compassion. 
 
As it turns out, if YOU eat this for for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all of your sins are absolved because heaven exists and you are fucking invited.