It has been brought to my attention that my posts are too long and do not contain enough food-related material. Allow me to revise my approach:
Fall Salsa #2:
See Fall Salsa
Replace apples with pears (or just add pears)
Fuck you.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Fiancee Chili
I fucking hate school. I hate that I hate school because I love learning, but I chose the wrong thing to study and I'm almost done so I keep going. I don't know how I do it. When I wake up I am still 6 years old. I throw a fit everyday. Like, hit snooze until my finger is gangrenous and cry real tears fits. When I remember that I have to go to school in the morning it feels like I'm in a hand drawn Disney flick on a warm cloud made of Sigur Ros songs and cherub cheeks, and all I taste is cherry coke because I have cherry coke flavored spit (with real sugar, none of that high fucktose shit), but some fucking school goblin shits in my eyes and sends me to a football field in Texas where I have to watch my parents and cats being tortured by just out of reach social security checks and a pool of liquid disappointment filled with surfing mice stuffed with laser pointers.
I've always hated school. I liked Fridays more than Sundays because it was the longest possible time until more school. Sundays felt like a prank. You have the whole day off, but you can't enjoy it because you know you have to go back to being a part of what might as well be Vietnam circa 1968. If god exists, he is a dumb dick. He is a bully and he is bad at pranks.
I express pretty regularly that I don't believe in an afterlife. I choose to use those specific words because as much as I disbelieve in a creator, I attempt not to share that opinion to spare any believer from aggrivation, and commenting on an afterlife feels less intense. "I don't believe in an afterlife." - not so bad. "I don't believe in god." - kind of upsetting. With that being said, I'm pretty certain that there is no god. You want to know why? because school sucks. It sucks so bad.
There are a lot of fucking reasons to hate school, especially a community college, but one reason I fucking hate it here is the cafeteria. There is not one piece of fruit in there. They have salads. They are eight dollars and contain cubes of meat, but they have salads. The only thing worse than meat is cubed meat. I want to know how the fuck it exists. I want to know how we, as sentient beings, so willingly detatch ourselves from reality just to be comfortable with ingesting pretty much fucking anything. Nothing of what you eat is real. It's all a derivative of food. Do you NOT UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING WEIRD THAT IS? I think of it like cocaine. Lets say you were an avid drug user and your normal dealer wasn't available. You get shit cocaine from another drug dealer that cut it with whatever drug dealers cut cocaine with and you are so pissed and hopped up on shitty cocaine that you fucking rip out his veins. So why wouldn't you rip out the veins of the fuckers cutting your meat with shit that is not meat? Cubed meat is not meat. They take animal flesh, grind it with other animal flesh and puke until it is a fucking slurry. Then they add weird fucking shit like isolated soy protein, carageenan, modified food starch, and sodium nitrite and roll it into a ball so it no longer resembles an animal to save you from any human emotion that might creep up when you think about eating cute things. Sodium nitrite is a fucking carcinogen by the way. What the fuck?
Why don't you just pick the cubes out of the salad? A) because I'm not paying eight dollars for a pesticide and carcass residue riddled salad. B) because I will not support the company that provides that disgusting shit or the school that doesn't give a shit.
While I do have some recipes reserved for when I have some time, right now I don't have time to make them. My beliefs are pretty fucking robust when it comes to having enough time to make healthful meals. You can take twenty minutes from whatever dumb endeavor you've deemed important to chop up a carrot, onions and brussel sprouts, cook them, toast a piece of bread, and shove an open faced sandwich inside of your alarmingly overused oral pleasure hole, but seriously... going to school and work full time is nuts. It's ... I can't think of anything because I'm so exhausted from going to school and work. 8am til 12am (includes travel time)... but that's real shit.
Luckily, my fucking precious significant other who makes life worth living also makes me dinner EVERY fucking night that I get home late.
I'm not going to share a recipe. It's like chili. Beans, tomatoes, onions, peppers. It's delicious, but I'm a glutton and I always want to eat at least three dinners at once, so I made some shitty sides to go with it. I RARELY eat like this. it's almost laughable. I'm pretty sure that most American's would consider this a healthful meal. I just made myself sad. I don't even know why I'm still typing. I don't even want to post this anymore. I'm going to go cry enough tears to ferment and drink until I die from sadness poisoning.
I'm not joking. Pets are the path to world peace.
Peace.
I've always hated school. I liked Fridays more than Sundays because it was the longest possible time until more school. Sundays felt like a prank. You have the whole day off, but you can't enjoy it because you know you have to go back to being a part of what might as well be Vietnam circa 1968. If god exists, he is a dumb dick. He is a bully and he is bad at pranks.
I express pretty regularly that I don't believe in an afterlife. I choose to use those specific words because as much as I disbelieve in a creator, I attempt not to share that opinion to spare any believer from aggrivation, and commenting on an afterlife feels less intense. "I don't believe in an afterlife." - not so bad. "I don't believe in god." - kind of upsetting. With that being said, I'm pretty certain that there is no god. You want to know why? because school sucks. It sucks so bad.
There are a lot of fucking reasons to hate school, especially a community college, but one reason I fucking hate it here is the cafeteria. There is not one piece of fruit in there. They have salads. They are eight dollars and contain cubes of meat, but they have salads. The only thing worse than meat is cubed meat. I want to know how the fuck it exists. I want to know how we, as sentient beings, so willingly detatch ourselves from reality just to be comfortable with ingesting pretty much fucking anything. Nothing of what you eat is real. It's all a derivative of food. Do you NOT UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING WEIRD THAT IS? I think of it like cocaine. Lets say you were an avid drug user and your normal dealer wasn't available. You get shit cocaine from another drug dealer that cut it with whatever drug dealers cut cocaine with and you are so pissed and hopped up on shitty cocaine that you fucking rip out his veins. So why wouldn't you rip out the veins of the fuckers cutting your meat with shit that is not meat? Cubed meat is not meat. They take animal flesh, grind it with other animal flesh and puke until it is a fucking slurry. Then they add weird fucking shit like isolated soy protein, carageenan, modified food starch, and sodium nitrite and roll it into a ball so it no longer resembles an animal to save you from any human emotion that might creep up when you think about eating cute things. Sodium nitrite is a fucking carcinogen by the way. What the fuck?
Why don't you just pick the cubes out of the salad? A) because I'm not paying eight dollars for a pesticide and carcass residue riddled salad. B) because I will not support the company that provides that disgusting shit or the school that doesn't give a shit.
While I do have some recipes reserved for when I have some time, right now I don't have time to make them. My beliefs are pretty fucking robust when it comes to having enough time to make healthful meals. You can take twenty minutes from whatever dumb endeavor you've deemed important to chop up a carrot, onions and brussel sprouts, cook them, toast a piece of bread, and shove an open faced sandwich inside of your alarmingly overused oral pleasure hole, but seriously... going to school and work full time is nuts. It's ... I can't think of anything because I'm so exhausted from going to school and work. 8am til 12am (includes travel time)... but that's real shit.
Luckily, my fucking precious significant other who makes life worth living also makes me dinner EVERY fucking night that I get home late.
I'm not going to share a recipe. It's like chili. Beans, tomatoes, onions, peppers. It's delicious, but I'm a glutton and I always want to eat at least three dinners at once, so I made some shitty sides to go with it. I RARELY eat like this. it's almost laughable. I'm pretty sure that most American's would consider this a healthful meal. I just made myself sad. I don't even know why I'm still typing. I don't even want to post this anymore. I'm going to go cry enough tears to ferment and drink until I die from sadness poisoning.
Yes, I seriously ate this garbage.
Yes, it's fucking "vegan".
That "cheese" is made from fucking almonds.
and you fucking know I used all those sauces.
(I probably drink a lot of cat food and butt particles because my cats LOVE my water. They have plenty of water in their bowls, but it is not the same as water on a coffee table. See second photo.)
Now I'm going to go eat more junk since it took me an hour to write this because my other cat stopped to hang out on my chest and lead me to spiritual enlightenment.
I'm not joking. Pets are the path to world peace.
Peace.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Creamy Mushroom Soup
Fuck.
"Cream of" soups are so fucking gross.
Let's say you love apples. You love apples so much that you have an apple tree in your backyard and eat one every morning. You want to keep living because you get to have your apple every morning. Then, some superior species says FUCK THAT. You have to eat white rice every morning now. It's cheaper so you have to fucking eat white rice fuck you. Also, that rice is genetically modified, covered in pesticides, riddled with preservatives, and blended with a fist full of hormones and antibiotics so you can produce 20 gallons of semen a day (I guess you are a guy, bare with me). Imagine a constant erection, ejaculating every 5 minutes. No breaks. Your dick looks like a new born baby. No, your dick looks like a recently ejected placenta. Your dick looks like the vagina the newborn just came from. Your dick feels like you're repeatedly giving birth out of it to a ball of razor blades and peanuts. You are allergic to peanuts.
For some reason, that superior species thinks that your semen is the best way to get the nutrients that it provides. Piece of your vein get in the jizz juice? No biggie, it's super fucking compromised with the shit we are forcing you to eat anyway. That species NEEDS your fucked byproduct! What's that? You can't produce any more semen? Like, it's just all blood? Welp, time to die.
Did I mention that RIGHT before we started milking your dick everyday for a year we took your child and if it was male we most likely fucking ate it? He is as much of a byproduct as your stupid fucking jizz.
Oh, and we'll just go ahead and repeat the process until we do end up gutting you. KTHX
Avocados rule.
Avocados are so fucking good for you. While this is a ".com" site, it is most definitely reputable and is the best article on avocados that I have come across: AVOCADOS
Not only do they taste delicious, but they are so creamy and they don't have any poor angelic cow blood in them.
Now, ya'll gonna think I'm fucking CRAZY for making an avocado my base for this soup, but you are the one who is fucking crazy.
Creamy Mushroom Soup
1 avocado
1 small onion
1 1/2 cups mushrooms (I used portabella because they were on sale as fuck)
1(ish) cup water
salt
pepper
Take the avocado and half of the other stuff and throw it in a blender. Add water until it is a soupy consistency. It will look super fucking gross, but grow the fuck up.
Cook the rest of the onions and mushrooms in a pan. What the fuck? I just realized I used all of these ingredients at least twice already in this blog and I barely have any posts. I don't know if it's because I'm boring or because these meals all taste SUPER different... It doesn't matter because they are ingredients that will make your blood flow so well that it actually reaches your extremities.
While those are cooking, put the blended shit in a pot on the stove and warm it up. Once the onions and mushrooms are cooked, toss 'em in the pot. Put a lot of salt in it. You are already saving your body a ton of sodium by not eating the canned stuff, so seriously, use salt.
Make a sandwich* because you are not an infant.
Besides, even if you eat this whole pot of soup, it was so good for you that you can still eat every sandwich you've ever wanted and feel good about it.
Soak yourself in your own tears of utter awe evoked from adorable pet overload as your cat shows interest in your meal.
Give her a sip of your water.
I already said it looked super gross. If this bothers you, tell yourself it is normal cream of mushroom soup, but it dressed up as wizard vomit for Halloween.
Sink dwelling soup marauder...
* The sandwich is made with some super seed filled bread, fake mayo, cucumbers, kale, and dulce seaweed. Dulce seaweed is the bacon of seaweed. It is super salty and PACKED with iodine... which, if you don't know, is not easy to obtain if you don't consume fish. I'm not joking that this sandwich was delicious. I do not use two pieces of bread for certain sandwiches. It has absolutely nothing to do with caloric intake. It's about taste ratio. I NEVER count my calories because everything I'm eating is awesome and good for you, so why the fuck would it matter? Hint: It doesn't.
"Cream of" soups are so fucking gross.
Let's say you love apples. You love apples so much that you have an apple tree in your backyard and eat one every morning. You want to keep living because you get to have your apple every morning. Then, some superior species says FUCK THAT. You have to eat white rice every morning now. It's cheaper so you have to fucking eat white rice fuck you. Also, that rice is genetically modified, covered in pesticides, riddled with preservatives, and blended with a fist full of hormones and antibiotics so you can produce 20 gallons of semen a day (I guess you are a guy, bare with me). Imagine a constant erection, ejaculating every 5 minutes. No breaks. Your dick looks like a new born baby. No, your dick looks like a recently ejected placenta. Your dick looks like the vagina the newborn just came from. Your dick feels like you're repeatedly giving birth out of it to a ball of razor blades and peanuts. You are allergic to peanuts.
For some reason, that superior species thinks that your semen is the best way to get the nutrients that it provides. Piece of your vein get in the jizz juice? No biggie, it's super fucking compromised with the shit we are forcing you to eat anyway. That species NEEDS your fucked byproduct! What's that? You can't produce any more semen? Like, it's just all blood? Welp, time to die.
Did I mention that RIGHT before we started milking your dick everyday for a year we took your child and if it was male we most likely fucking ate it? He is as much of a byproduct as your stupid fucking jizz.
Oh, and we'll just go ahead and repeat the process until we do end up gutting you. KTHX
Avocados rule.
Avocados are so fucking good for you. While this is a ".com" site, it is most definitely reputable and is the best article on avocados that I have come across: AVOCADOS
Not only do they taste delicious, but they are so creamy and they don't have any poor angelic cow blood in them.
Now, ya'll gonna think I'm fucking CRAZY for making an avocado my base for this soup, but you are the one who is fucking crazy.
Creamy Mushroom Soup
1 avocado
1 small onion
1 1/2 cups mushrooms (I used portabella because they were on sale as fuck)
1(ish) cup water
salt
pepper
Take the avocado and half of the other stuff and throw it in a blender. Add water until it is a soupy consistency. It will look super fucking gross, but grow the fuck up.
Cook the rest of the onions and mushrooms in a pan. What the fuck? I just realized I used all of these ingredients at least twice already in this blog and I barely have any posts. I don't know if it's because I'm boring or because these meals all taste SUPER different... It doesn't matter because they are ingredients that will make your blood flow so well that it actually reaches your extremities.
While those are cooking, put the blended shit in a pot on the stove and warm it up. Once the onions and mushrooms are cooked, toss 'em in the pot. Put a lot of salt in it. You are already saving your body a ton of sodium by not eating the canned stuff, so seriously, use salt.
Make a sandwich* because you are not an infant.
Besides, even if you eat this whole pot of soup, it was so good for you that you can still eat every sandwich you've ever wanted and feel good about it.
Soak yourself in your own tears of utter awe evoked from adorable pet overload as your cat shows interest in your meal.
Give her a sip of your water.
I already said it looked super gross. If this bothers you, tell yourself it is normal cream of mushroom soup, but it dressed up as wizard vomit for Halloween.
Sink dwelling soup marauder...
What can this soup be like? This soup is like gay sex? This soup is like online dating? This soup is like not watching sports. Don't knock it till you've tried it.
* The sandwich is made with some super seed filled bread, fake mayo, cucumbers, kale, and dulce seaweed. Dulce seaweed is the bacon of seaweed. It is super salty and PACKED with iodine... which, if you don't know, is not easy to obtain if you don't consume fish. I'm not joking that this sandwich was delicious. I do not use two pieces of bread for certain sandwiches. It has absolutely nothing to do with caloric intake. It's about taste ratio. I NEVER count my calories because everything I'm eating is awesome and good for you, so why the fuck would it matter? Hint: It doesn't.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Squash Risotto-ish
You know that feeling when you are eating something so delicious and so healthy that you want to swallow a bomb, scale a building, and jump off of it ending as many lives as possible?
Probably not, but that's because you haven't experienced my risotto. Well, I'm not a fucking idiot. It's not risotto. Risotto is the antithesis of healthy. It's also time consuming, and you are going to appreciate that extra time you saved with this recipe when you make it to that family party early enough to run around with your fucking adorable niece and nephew while your brother is too busy shoving some phallic combination of pig tongue and guts into his sad excuse for a mouth while he's jerking off in his mind over fifty men running into each other for money as half the nation watches.
This is where any other shitty blogger would shrug off the palpable ignorance by writing " 'Merica " to cut the tension he just created, but that whole backwards sarcastic bandwagon bullshit isn't funny. It's infuriating. I really dislike stereotypical southerners and I would gladly serve in another civil war or be the first to sign whatever documents needed to be signed to separate this country into two. If I were able to live another life and retain the knowledge I've gained from this one, I would dedicate the entirety of it to becoming president or some authority of this fucking country just to build lasers capable of removing states and toss 'em in the fucking ocean or outer space.
I run a constant temperature of 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
If this were facebook my status would read:
It is already cold as fuck. I'm not complaining, though. That means squash is in fucking season and you know how I feel about shit that is in season...
It's... like... better than shit... that is... not in season.
Marno's Super Fucking Simple Risotto
Ingredients:
1 butternut squash (because that is what the fuck was on sale.)
A thing of white rice (or brown rice or quinoa because you are fucking serious about your nutrient intake)
Cook the rice. Cook the squash. Pretend like you hate fish. Gut the squash like a fish. Smash up the squash guts and stir it into the rice.
Sprinkle a bit of solidified sea ejaculate (salt) on it or don't. Eat it as slow as possible in front of your loved ones because you are fucking NOT sharing.
But this isn't facebook, and while the recipe above was an adequate cerebral lover, I spent an extra five minutes to transform it into the supreme gigolo of your disgusting fucking dreams. I'm totally lying. It's still just adequate. Haha. This recipe is just like every man.
Squash Risotto For Adults (Who Think That The Words "Heavy" and "Cream" Have No Place In Their Diet, Let Alone Exist Next To One Another Consecutively (and accept their lover for who they are))
1 Delicata Squash (because it looked cool as fuck)
Like, 2 cups of cooked white rice*
1 Small Onion (or however much you want)
A bunch of sliced mushrooms **
3 of the biggest cloves of garlic you can find
A little fake milk or water
Olive oil (optional)
Garlic salt or salt
*I have previously shunned flour tortillas for lack of nutrients. That is because it was funny. I, personally, think that all tortillas (flour or other), rice (white or other), and pretty much all grainy foods are MOSTLY unimportant in your diet, unless you are a very active person. Yes, this includes quinoa. I just don't really give a fuck. Something deep in my dumb gut doesn't give a fuck about anything but fruits and vegetables. That is all that makes sense to me. Grains taste like they want you to commit suicide by math homework. That is, until you add other awesome foods to it. Then they taste like pretty okay vehicles for other food. As in, Grains are as conducive to flavor as similes are to well written prose. Point being, it is important to be mindful of what you are consuming and I certainly fucking am. So, if I want fucking white rice once the fuck in awhile then I will fucking have fucking white rice.
**I buy crimini mushrooms from Whole Foods because they are cheap and organic. I wish I saw heavy and cream next to each other as much as I saw cheap and organic next to each other. Fuck it all at the age appropriate variety of humor.
Assuming you have an oven, preheat it to something higher than 400 degrees. While you are waiting, look up the correct temperature to cook a squash at and how to cook it. They will probably tell you to do some fancy shit, but I just filled half of a baking pan with some water, cut the fucker in half, and tossed it in their gut-side down (because that is what my fiancée told me to do).
While that is baking, cook rice. Fuck.
Rice hack: Cook some garlic in the pot you are going to cook your rice in. Just for a few minutes. This is going to make your rice taste like it was supposed to be consumed by humans. Toss some water in there and cook rice how you would normally cook it. You'd better not fuck up. Rice is so fucking easy to cook.
Now you've got a squash in the oven and rice on the burner. Heat up another fucking big sauce pan. Throw some oil on there... or don't. Doesn't matter because you are just throwing onions and mushrooms in it. Keep it medium to low. On second thought, you should probably put oil in there. You wanna let these fuckers cook down. While all that shit is cooking, do a really half assed job at cleaning whatever dishes you have in the sink. It will make your meal so much more enjoyable. Also, take a picture of your cats being better than all humans and put it on the internet because for every picture of a cat I see, I punch an idiot until they decide not to procreate.
The squash should be done because it took you too long to prepare the rice and onions, but that is okay because you need to scoop out it's guts and stare at your fiancée like a fucking borderline personality case. Eat some of the guts while you are looking at her. Start to cry because food shouldn't taste that good without salt.
Instead of waiting for it to cool, just dump the water out of the pan, toss the guts in it, and pour a little fake milk or cool water on it. Mash it up with your hands. I was going to blend it to get a better consistency, but that would have meant more dishes to clean.
COMBINE ALL THE SHIT in the pan that the onions and mushrooms are cooking in. I added some garlic salt, pepper, and fresh turmeric. Put a lid on and let it simmer for a little bit.Take it off the burner and let it thicken. Shit should look pretty tight on a plate.
Put some hot sauce on it because it isn't as flavorful as you wanted.
Ugh, why the fuck wont he just end the fucking post?!
Fuck. Here is the deal, I appreciate the intentions of specific meals. I do NOT appreciate people who boast about how healthy their food is and that it "tastes just as good as the original". That is simply not true. If your audience is a healthful bunch then they will already know that whatever healthy meal you have prepared resembles the old dish and that it is extremely enjoyable because your palates have adapted. If you are talking to someone who still eats a traditional American diet, then they will look at you like you told them your snot would get them high as fuck. I have a goal in mind when I create a meal. When I think of risotto, I think "creamy". So, squash and rice satisfies that creamy aspect I desired. Hopefully it does for you too.
I mean... fuck off.
Probably not, but that's because you haven't experienced my risotto. Well, I'm not a fucking idiot. It's not risotto. Risotto is the antithesis of healthy. It's also time consuming, and you are going to appreciate that extra time you saved with this recipe when you make it to that family party early enough to run around with your fucking adorable niece and nephew while your brother is too busy shoving some phallic combination of pig tongue and guts into his sad excuse for a mouth while he's jerking off in his mind over fifty men running into each other for money as half the nation watches.
This is where any other shitty blogger would shrug off the palpable ignorance by writing " 'Merica " to cut the tension he just created, but that whole backwards sarcastic bandwagon bullshit isn't funny. It's infuriating. I really dislike stereotypical southerners and I would gladly serve in another civil war or be the first to sign whatever documents needed to be signed to separate this country into two. If I were able to live another life and retain the knowledge I've gained from this one, I would dedicate the entirety of it to becoming president or some authority of this fucking country just to build lasers capable of removing states and toss 'em in the fucking ocean or outer space.
I run a constant temperature of 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
If this were facebook my status would read:
It is already cold as fuck. I'm not complaining, though. That means squash is in fucking season and you know how I feel about shit that is in season...
It's... like... better than shit... that is... not in season.
Marno's Super Fucking Simple Risotto
Ingredients:
1 butternut squash (because that is what the fuck was on sale.)
A thing of white rice (or brown rice or quinoa because you are fucking serious about your nutrient intake)
Cook the rice. Cook the squash. Pretend like you hate fish. Gut the squash like a fish. Smash up the squash guts and stir it into the rice.
Sprinkle a bit of solidified sea ejaculate (salt) on it or don't. Eat it as slow as possible in front of your loved ones because you are fucking NOT sharing.
But this isn't facebook, and while the recipe above was an adequate cerebral lover, I spent an extra five minutes to transform it into the supreme gigolo of your disgusting fucking dreams. I'm totally lying. It's still just adequate. Haha. This recipe is just like every man.
Squash Risotto For Adults (Who Think That The Words "Heavy" and "Cream" Have No Place In Their Diet, Let Alone Exist Next To One Another Consecutively (and accept their lover for who they are))
1 Delicata Squash (because it looked cool as fuck)
Like, 2 cups of cooked white rice*
1 Small Onion (or however much you want)
A bunch of sliced mushrooms **
3 of the biggest cloves of garlic you can find
A little fake milk or water
Olive oil (optional)
Garlic salt or salt
*I have previously shunned flour tortillas for lack of nutrients. That is because it was funny. I, personally, think that all tortillas (flour or other), rice (white or other), and pretty much all grainy foods are MOSTLY unimportant in your diet, unless you are a very active person. Yes, this includes quinoa. I just don't really give a fuck. Something deep in my dumb gut doesn't give a fuck about anything but fruits and vegetables. That is all that makes sense to me. Grains taste like they want you to commit suicide by math homework. That is, until you add other awesome foods to it. Then they taste like pretty okay vehicles for other food. As in, Grains are as conducive to flavor as similes are to well written prose. Point being, it is important to be mindful of what you are consuming and I certainly fucking am. So, if I want fucking white rice once the fuck in awhile then I will fucking have fucking white rice.
**I buy crimini mushrooms from Whole Foods because they are cheap and organic. I wish I saw heavy and cream next to each other as much as I saw cheap and organic next to each other. Fuck it all at the age appropriate variety of humor.
Assuming you have an oven, preheat it to something higher than 400 degrees. While you are waiting, look up the correct temperature to cook a squash at and how to cook it. They will probably tell you to do some fancy shit, but I just filled half of a baking pan with some water, cut the fucker in half, and tossed it in their gut-side down (because that is what my fiancée told me to do).
While that is baking, cook rice. Fuck.
Rice hack: Cook some garlic in the pot you are going to cook your rice in. Just for a few minutes. This is going to make your rice taste like it was supposed to be consumed by humans. Toss some water in there and cook rice how you would normally cook it. You'd better not fuck up. Rice is so fucking easy to cook.
Now you've got a squash in the oven and rice on the burner. Heat up another fucking big sauce pan. Throw some oil on there... or don't. Doesn't matter because you are just throwing onions and mushrooms in it. Keep it medium to low. On second thought, you should probably put oil in there. You wanna let these fuckers cook down. While all that shit is cooking, do a really half assed job at cleaning whatever dishes you have in the sink. It will make your meal so much more enjoyable. Also, take a picture of your cats being better than all humans and put it on the internet because for every picture of a cat I see, I punch an idiot until they decide not to procreate.
The squash should be done because it took you too long to prepare the rice and onions, but that is okay because you need to scoop out it's guts and stare at your fiancée like a fucking borderline personality case. Eat some of the guts while you are looking at her. Start to cry because food shouldn't taste that good without salt.
Instead of waiting for it to cool, just dump the water out of the pan, toss the guts in it, and pour a little fake milk or cool water on it. Mash it up with your hands. I was going to blend it to get a better consistency, but that would have meant more dishes to clean.
COMBINE ALL THE SHIT in the pan that the onions and mushrooms are cooking in. I added some garlic salt, pepper, and fresh turmeric. Put a lid on and let it simmer for a little bit.Take it off the burner and let it thicken. Shit should look pretty tight on a plate.
Put some hot sauce on it because it isn't as flavorful as you wanted.
Ugh, why the fuck wont he just end the fucking post?!
Fuck. Here is the deal, I appreciate the intentions of specific meals. I do NOT appreciate people who boast about how healthy their food is and that it "tastes just as good as the original". That is simply not true. If your audience is a healthful bunch then they will already know that whatever healthy meal you have prepared resembles the old dish and that it is extremely enjoyable because your palates have adapted. If you are talking to someone who still eats a traditional American diet, then they will look at you like you told them your snot would get them high as fuck. I have a goal in mind when I create a meal. When I think of risotto, I think "creamy". So, squash and rice satisfies that creamy aspect I desired. Hopefully it does for you too.
I mean... fuck off.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Veganism
I just looked up "what the blinking cursor is when you type" to find to my dissatisfaction: Insertion or Text Cursor. That being noted, the blinking text cursor is a decent symbol for creativity, endless options, uncertainty, and in this case hesitance.
Why are you writing about veganism? You're not vegan... right?
I really don't know where to start. This isn't intended to persuade anyone into veganism. It's kind of a conversation I have with myself pretty often that I will feel much better about once it is forever etched in cyber stone.
It's only been a week since I started this blog and I already talk out what I'm going to write while I'm cooking. I never remember any of it because I'm as adept at retaining my own thoughts as a dinosaur is at existing. So, even though I have seen the pictures and videos of how unfathomably inconsiderate our food system is and have extensively researched the topic in the past, I still need to analyze the diet, assess my current opinion, and either gain strength in that opinion or develop a new one.
Okay, so you're ALMOST vegan (fucking poser) and you want to gain a better understanding of why you make the choices you make... Why do you need to post about it on the internet?
I don't, but this isn't fucking facebook. This is my stupid fucking blog and I like to write. I like to discuss things that matter to me. No one has to read this. If you are having negative feelings toward me or the topic at hand, please direct yourself to another website. Maybe you are not familiar with, on the fence about, or mildly interested in my experience with veganism. These are reasons to continue reading.
Fuck. Preemptive counter-argument with an imaginary audience. Fuck.
Lastly, why are you hesitant about this topic?
Writing about veganism in a serious manner is like writing about the use of the word hipster in a serious manner. People become unnecessarily defensive with this stuff. Speculatively, people who really enjoy eating meat, don't want to think about what they eat, or don't care about what they eat may be annoyed by this discussion and lash out by making fun of it, becoming antagonistic, or unintentionally creating a strongly opinionated façade opposing the topic. I'm hesitant because I want to avoid this outcome. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it better be well informed.
Okay, thanks for the preface, wiener. Get on with it...
It has been exactly three years since I met my fiancée. She has been a vegetarian for a decade and I was always interested in eating healthier, so I ate a lot less meat when I was around her. I, like most people contemplating vegetarianism, was concerned with protein, getting the right amount of nutrients, being full, and being bored with a lack of variety. The most comical aspect of this thought process is that while you are arguing with yourself about whether or not being a vegetarian will be better for you than where you are at now, you are most likely accepting pulverized animal waste in a bag of grease out of a fucking window from a corporation that gives precisely none of a fuck about humankind, let alone you or any animal.
There is probably a poorly written list or video somewhere on the internet about the most common misconceptions of vegans or something along those lines, but I feel it necessary to reiterate a few things I've noticed:
The most common stance on veganism seems to be interested, but with a conscious stubborn lack of will power. What I am referring to is this blunder of a string of words, "I would love to be vegan, but I don't think I could stop eating [Meat/Cheese/Bacon/ETC.]" Then, usually to follow that stock statement is this stock response, "You don't have to give those things up. They make great alternatives." Which they have made some gnarly strides on making soy and wheat taste like other stuff, but it's truly not important. It is a GREAT stepping stone for anyone who does desire a vegan lifestyle, but it's not the best response to this embarrassing excuse for not attempting a plant based diet. If you want to do something, do it. There is NO difference between a man saying he would like to stop drinking, but he couldn't give up his 3 beers before bed and a person not being able to stop eating burgers. These are addictions. They may not be life-threatening addictions, but they are addictions none the less. It is unfortunate that we live in a world where addiction is at every corner, but I digress. I don't want to guilt anyone into veganism. I simply think you should stop sympathizing before you say you don't think you could stop eating meat. If you admit you just don't want to give up meat, that is an entirely different story. You should let me show you some documentaries and actually murder your own meal sometime, but we'll let you slide for now.
Back to me. Without any legitimate research or intent, I decided to quit eating meat. I think it felt important. Just like writing this feels important to me at this exact moment. It's fucking not, but I don't believe in an afterlife. It used to bother me as a child, but I grew up, drank a lot of booze, and it bothered me less. Then, I quit drinking like an asshole (for the most part ;))and it started bothering me again. Now, every minute I'm alive feels like it needs to be productive. Ultimately, none of it is important, but certain things FEEL important. On a visceral level, my diet suddenly felt important. Quickly, I adopted health as being the reason for my new diet. Things I told myself - I'll never have to worry about cholesterol, fat content is greatly decreased, it will be a lot easier to avoid processed foods (wrong), and fast food wont even be an option (also kind of wrong. I know vegans who eat fries like there is a fucking extra life at the bottom of every bag, but I haven't been to a McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy's in almost two years. Cool, Chris. STFU). Knowing that I wasn't contributing to the suffering of god's baby creatures was just a bonus.
Feeling a lack of variety couldn't have been more wrong. I need to stop and think about what I'm going to say because my thought vomit is taking control of my fingers and I need to pee. It wasn't until I cut meat out of my diet that I started to really appreciate food. So much so that I started A FUCKING BLOG. I'm a guy. I don't like acknowledging that things I do are typical in any way, but sometimes I do things that resemble what other guys do. Eating was one of those things. When I lived on my own at 22 my refrigerator was filled with beer, Gatorade, deli meat, pizza, empty ice cube trays, about 20 frozen Banquet dinners, and pizza. It didn't matter. You eat because you will die if you don't. Besides, caring about what you eat is definitely not fucking cool (Honestly, I respect the mentality of "I eat because it is a necessity and I don't think beyond that" MUCH MORE than "Pigs are magical, how could you not eat bacon wrapped dick fat everyday?"). I used to laugh at my fiancée ("girlfriend" at the time) for turning down a tomato on her sandwich during winter. My thought was, if you are a vegetarian, you shouldn't deny yourself anything you are allowed to eat. That's where the appreciation comes in! By removing a large portion of the average diet, you notice how amazing certain foods are when they are in season, prepared properly, or combined with spices and herbs you never thought of, but before I got to that point I definitely replaced those items in my bachelor fridge with other processed meat alternatives from brands like Morning Star, Boca, and whatever the fuck my mom bought from Trader Joes. When I moved back in with my mother (who is also mostly vegan), I started looking up recipes for her to make me. This was my pathetic attempt at bonding, which, over time kind of worked, but it wasn't because of the recipes. She is a wonderful woman who works very hard and still makes my father meat filled meals. It is understandable that she wanted to relax instead of making me and herself extra meals. Since she didn't make the recipes, I started paying attention to what was in them and fiddling around in her kitchen.
Recipes lead to odd ingredients, odd ingredients lead to nutrition information, nutrition information lead to physiology, physiology lead back to nutrition information, which lead back to ingredients, which lead to veganism.
Let me give you an example: A recipe for a black bean burger might have contained quinoa or flax seeds. Since I didn't know what those ingredients were, I would look them up. Once I discovered what it is they were and what nutrients they contained, I would look up why we need those nutrients. Once I realized why we needed those nutrients, I looked for other foods that contained those nutrients. Which led me to mostly plant based foods, which is what we call "vegan".
Hold up. You're telling me when you looked up nutritional information meat and dairy never came up?!
Yeah, of course they do, but the point is that there is ALWAYS an alternative.
At this point I realized you can get all the nutrients you need without consuming ANY animal products. I've actually been stuck at this point for well over a year. I have been bargaining with myself, making compromises...
-Cheese from organic, hormone and steroid free, pasture raised cows seems healthier than processed soy cheese with carrageenan.
-Why cant I have a cage free or free range egg once in awhile?
-Fish don't feel pain and their meat is so fucking good for your heart AND central nervous system.
The central nervous system... that means your fucking brain! You love your brain and want to remember things. You HAVE to eat fish.
Tis fucking folly to be wise... FUCK:
I honestly do think that cheese that is less processed and from animals in the right conditions is better for you than fake cheese, but it is SO uncertain that the animal has been treated well, fed the right shit, not given steroids, etc. Unless you are willing to go to the farm where the cow was milked for that cheese, the only option is to not eat it.
Same thing goes for "cage free" eggs. Just because they aren't in a cages does not mean that they aren't pumped full of crazy drugs, packed in a fucking factory, wading in their own shit and dead mother's guts, not able to stand because the steroids make their bodies grow too fast for them to support themselves. I want to cry. I'm so tired. Fuck that shit. Fuck you. How can anyone not give a shit?
Fishies. There is something so elegant and admirable about sushi... at least, from what I've seen on tv. I have eaten some really good sushi. After this novella of a rant on my beliefs, I'm pretty sure I don't need to express that your Americanized eel jizz and mayo covered fried fish wrapped in other fish and topped with fish isn't elegant. It is the perfect embodiment of gluttony that our culture glorifies. "Only in America..." People begin blatantly ignorant observations with a smirk that is reminiscent of the uncomfortable air left behind a punch line from Archie Bunker. Only in America can we take an art form that requires a lifetime to perfect, strip it of its traditional beauty, and add fucking mayo to it. Come to think of it. I don't know that they don't use mayo over in Japan, but I wouldn't be surprised if they started using it because of us. We have officially ruined the entire world. What the fuck was I talking about? Fish have feelings. I mean, they have nerves and can literally FEEL. I've heard that they are the most "humanely" slaughtered compared to all other animals, but who cares? In a nutshell, those gills that allow fish to breathe under water collapse when they are out of water. It is basically like someone cut off your arms and is holding your nostrils and mouth shut, but teasing you with the tiniest bit of air every minute. Again, who cares? It's not like this fish is THINKING anything. It's just fucking flopping around like a god damned idiot.
This brings me to my final thought on the subject:
"I am at the top of the food chain. I am smarter than the animal. The animal makes me strong. I will eat the animal."
This is sort of, kind of, ALMOST... sound logic.
It wasn't until today, playing with my cats and thinking about how I was only going to eat fish that I catch myself, that I realized my compassion for animals outweighs my desire for the perfect diet. I could seriously cry again. It makes me so unbelievably furious to think about how intelligent we think we are and still live the way that we live. We are smarter than the animal. That is the fucking point. Saying that we are smarter than something, so we should eat it is like saying the sun feels good, so we should travel there. People feel like they deserve to eat animals for being "more intelligent." I love a few clichés and this is one of them- This life owes you nothing. Humans don't deserve fuck all and animals shouldn't have to suffer because of our miserable fucking conscientious ignorance and mislead antiquated priorities. There is nothing more I feel I need to say that isn't portrayed well enough by the documentaries on Netflix.
So, starting today, I will no longer eat a living thing or it's byproduct, unless I pull a Portlandia and travel to the farm and see with my own eyes that the hen and/or cow is living in stellar conditions. Then, it is possible I will buy eggs or cheese from them. It's not something I'm going to do soon. I don't need to eat those things, but when I have time and money, I think it will be fun to visit a smelly old farm... assuming, of course, that the animals are fucking super pumped to be there :)
I've said before that my only conviction is not having any convictions... and being vegan sure as fuck sounds like a conviction, but while I'm most likely going to live this way forever, I am ever changing and open to solid information that may influence a sway in my beliefs. It is also possible that cows could become anthropomorphic beings that want to end humanity AND consumption of their newly evolved brains cures aging and depression. I will, at that point, murder the fuck out of some cows. Shit! I'm already thinking about how we would HAVE to try to gain an understanding with them because we shouldn't have to resort to eating each other no matter what the benefit. Fuck.
More stock phrases from vegans, while interesting and encouraged to repeat to your uninformed peers, are not adding to my growth as a human:
No other animal drinks other animal's milk. Animals drink their own species milk as babies, then they grow up and drink blood (unless of course they are herbivores). So, uuuhhh... I don't get this argument. Animals are fucking awesome. I love them, but they aren't as smart as we are. We don't need to follow them in any way. They do what is innate. We learn from shit and adapt. I don't know how I feel about milk, so I just don't drink it. I stopped drinking milk well before I thought about vegetarianism. I think humans got a lot of things wrong. Harvesting milk is one of them. I would still rather a more valid or scientific argument. With all that being said, it is sort of interesting to ponder.
Our intestines are designed for a plant based diet. Makes sense to me, but do you have the consensus from every scientist and doctor in the world? Didn't think so. All animals have different digestive tracts. Think about a snake. They eat shit WHOLE. They do not give a fuck because their digestive tract rules so hard it breaks down rabbit skulls that provide nutrients and the meaning to life. Fuck, snakes are so cool. Our digestive tract is too complex to say this diet is right or that diet is wrong. I am convinced that towards the end of my life we will start seeing more powder based diets. There will be shitty versions that are all chemically extracted and weird and there will be raw versions that are basically large quantities of dried produce. There will be grand debates on enjoying food versus the perfect human diet. We will see...
[Some fucking produce ingredient] is a superfood. I understand. I really do. You see a raw, completely natural food with amazing amounts of nutrients and you want people to know about it, so you call it a SUPERfood. Like my fiancée says, it's just a fucking buzzword. Walk into a grocery store, the first thing you will see is the produce department. ALL of that food is SUPER. It all provides your body with what it needs to keep fucking up this earth. I know some have MORE of whatever you need, but I don't care. Moderation is fucking supreme. If moderation is supreme, then why not have a little fish? AH FUCK OFF! because as far as I'm concerned it shouldn't be an option, you imaginary dick!
I feel bad now. These aren't destructive thoughts. I'm just an advocate of authenticity. What do YOU really think? Not everything everyone says can be original, but think before you speak. Like, do a lot of thinking. Your deathbed you will thank now you.
In the preface of my 1995 edition of The Great Gatsby, Matthew J Bruccoli writes about F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Literary miracles are the work of writers who come closer than other writers to expressing what is in their minds..."
I will never, whether through lyric, essay, nor novel, be able to fully express what I am thinking. This was a feeble attempt at expressing one small part of my opinion on a very large topic.
What is a vegan post without ANIMAL PICTURES? Here are my adorable cats, Turanga Leela and Daisy Buchanan:
Why are you writing about veganism? You're not vegan... right?
I really don't know where to start. This isn't intended to persuade anyone into veganism. It's kind of a conversation I have with myself pretty often that I will feel much better about once it is forever etched in cyber stone.
It's only been a week since I started this blog and I already talk out what I'm going to write while I'm cooking. I never remember any of it because I'm as adept at retaining my own thoughts as a dinosaur is at existing. So, even though I have seen the pictures and videos of how unfathomably inconsiderate our food system is and have extensively researched the topic in the past, I still need to analyze the diet, assess my current opinion, and either gain strength in that opinion or develop a new one.
Okay, so you're ALMOST vegan (fucking poser) and you want to gain a better understanding of why you make the choices you make... Why do you need to post about it on the internet?
I don't, but this isn't fucking facebook. This is my stupid fucking blog and I like to write. I like to discuss things that matter to me. No one has to read this. If you are having negative feelings toward me or the topic at hand, please direct yourself to another website. Maybe you are not familiar with, on the fence about, or mildly interested in my experience with veganism. These are reasons to continue reading.
Fuck. Preemptive counter-argument with an imaginary audience. Fuck.
Lastly, why are you hesitant about this topic?
Writing about veganism in a serious manner is like writing about the use of the word hipster in a serious manner. People become unnecessarily defensive with this stuff. Speculatively, people who really enjoy eating meat, don't want to think about what they eat, or don't care about what they eat may be annoyed by this discussion and lash out by making fun of it, becoming antagonistic, or unintentionally creating a strongly opinionated façade opposing the topic. I'm hesitant because I want to avoid this outcome. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it better be well informed.
Okay, thanks for the preface, wiener. Get on with it...
It has been exactly three years since I met my fiancée. She has been a vegetarian for a decade and I was always interested in eating healthier, so I ate a lot less meat when I was around her. I, like most people contemplating vegetarianism, was concerned with protein, getting the right amount of nutrients, being full, and being bored with a lack of variety. The most comical aspect of this thought process is that while you are arguing with yourself about whether or not being a vegetarian will be better for you than where you are at now, you are most likely accepting pulverized animal waste in a bag of grease out of a fucking window from a corporation that gives precisely none of a fuck about humankind, let alone you or any animal.
There is probably a poorly written list or video somewhere on the internet about the most common misconceptions of vegans or something along those lines, but I feel it necessary to reiterate a few things I've noticed:
The most common stance on veganism seems to be interested, but with a conscious stubborn lack of will power. What I am referring to is this blunder of a string of words, "I would love to be vegan, but I don't think I could stop eating [Meat/Cheese/Bacon/ETC.]" Then, usually to follow that stock statement is this stock response, "You don't have to give those things up. They make great alternatives." Which they have made some gnarly strides on making soy and wheat taste like other stuff, but it's truly not important. It is a GREAT stepping stone for anyone who does desire a vegan lifestyle, but it's not the best response to this embarrassing excuse for not attempting a plant based diet. If you want to do something, do it. There is NO difference between a man saying he would like to stop drinking, but he couldn't give up his 3 beers before bed and a person not being able to stop eating burgers. These are addictions. They may not be life-threatening addictions, but they are addictions none the less. It is unfortunate that we live in a world where addiction is at every corner, but I digress. I don't want to guilt anyone into veganism. I simply think you should stop sympathizing before you say you don't think you could stop eating meat. If you admit you just don't want to give up meat, that is an entirely different story. You should let me show you some documentaries and actually murder your own meal sometime, but we'll let you slide for now.
Back to me. Without any legitimate research or intent, I decided to quit eating meat. I think it felt important. Just like writing this feels important to me at this exact moment. It's fucking not, but I don't believe in an afterlife. It used to bother me as a child, but I grew up, drank a lot of booze, and it bothered me less. Then, I quit drinking like an asshole (for the most part ;))and it started bothering me again. Now, every minute I'm alive feels like it needs to be productive. Ultimately, none of it is important, but certain things FEEL important. On a visceral level, my diet suddenly felt important. Quickly, I adopted health as being the reason for my new diet. Things I told myself - I'll never have to worry about cholesterol, fat content is greatly decreased, it will be a lot easier to avoid processed foods (wrong), and fast food wont even be an option (also kind of wrong. I know vegans who eat fries like there is a fucking extra life at the bottom of every bag, but I haven't been to a McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy's in almost two years. Cool, Chris. STFU). Knowing that I wasn't contributing to the suffering of god's baby creatures was just a bonus.
Feeling a lack of variety couldn't have been more wrong. I need to stop and think about what I'm going to say because my thought vomit is taking control of my fingers and I need to pee. It wasn't until I cut meat out of my diet that I started to really appreciate food. So much so that I started A FUCKING BLOG. I'm a guy. I don't like acknowledging that things I do are typical in any way, but sometimes I do things that resemble what other guys do. Eating was one of those things. When I lived on my own at 22 my refrigerator was filled with beer, Gatorade, deli meat, pizza, empty ice cube trays, about 20 frozen Banquet dinners, and pizza. It didn't matter. You eat because you will die if you don't. Besides, caring about what you eat is definitely not fucking cool (Honestly, I respect the mentality of "I eat because it is a necessity and I don't think beyond that" MUCH MORE than "Pigs are magical, how could you not eat bacon wrapped dick fat everyday?"). I used to laugh at my fiancée ("girlfriend" at the time) for turning down a tomato on her sandwich during winter. My thought was, if you are a vegetarian, you shouldn't deny yourself anything you are allowed to eat. That's where the appreciation comes in! By removing a large portion of the average diet, you notice how amazing certain foods are when they are in season, prepared properly, or combined with spices and herbs you never thought of, but before I got to that point I definitely replaced those items in my bachelor fridge with other processed meat alternatives from brands like Morning Star, Boca, and whatever the fuck my mom bought from Trader Joes. When I moved back in with my mother (who is also mostly vegan), I started looking up recipes for her to make me. This was my pathetic attempt at bonding, which, over time kind of worked, but it wasn't because of the recipes. She is a wonderful woman who works very hard and still makes my father meat filled meals. It is understandable that she wanted to relax instead of making me and herself extra meals. Since she didn't make the recipes, I started paying attention to what was in them and fiddling around in her kitchen.
Recipes lead to odd ingredients, odd ingredients lead to nutrition information, nutrition information lead to physiology, physiology lead back to nutrition information, which lead back to ingredients, which lead to veganism.
Let me give you an example: A recipe for a black bean burger might have contained quinoa or flax seeds. Since I didn't know what those ingredients were, I would look them up. Once I discovered what it is they were and what nutrients they contained, I would look up why we need those nutrients. Once I realized why we needed those nutrients, I looked for other foods that contained those nutrients. Which led me to mostly plant based foods, which is what we call "vegan".
Hold up. You're telling me when you looked up nutritional information meat and dairy never came up?!
Yeah, of course they do, but the point is that there is ALWAYS an alternative.
At this point I realized you can get all the nutrients you need without consuming ANY animal products. I've actually been stuck at this point for well over a year. I have been bargaining with myself, making compromises...
-Cheese from organic, hormone and steroid free, pasture raised cows seems healthier than processed soy cheese with carrageenan.
-Why cant I have a cage free or free range egg once in awhile?
-Fish don't feel pain and their meat is so fucking good for your heart AND central nervous system.
The central nervous system... that means your fucking brain! You love your brain and want to remember things. You HAVE to eat fish.
Tis fucking folly to be wise... FUCK:
I honestly do think that cheese that is less processed and from animals in the right conditions is better for you than fake cheese, but it is SO uncertain that the animal has been treated well, fed the right shit, not given steroids, etc. Unless you are willing to go to the farm where the cow was milked for that cheese, the only option is to not eat it.
Same thing goes for "cage free" eggs. Just because they aren't in a cages does not mean that they aren't pumped full of crazy drugs, packed in a fucking factory, wading in their own shit and dead mother's guts, not able to stand because the steroids make their bodies grow too fast for them to support themselves. I want to cry. I'm so tired. Fuck that shit. Fuck you. How can anyone not give a shit?
Fishies. There is something so elegant and admirable about sushi... at least, from what I've seen on tv. I have eaten some really good sushi. After this novella of a rant on my beliefs, I'm pretty sure I don't need to express that your Americanized eel jizz and mayo covered fried fish wrapped in other fish and topped with fish isn't elegant. It is the perfect embodiment of gluttony that our culture glorifies. "Only in America..." People begin blatantly ignorant observations with a smirk that is reminiscent of the uncomfortable air left behind a punch line from Archie Bunker. Only in America can we take an art form that requires a lifetime to perfect, strip it of its traditional beauty, and add fucking mayo to it. Come to think of it. I don't know that they don't use mayo over in Japan, but I wouldn't be surprised if they started using it because of us. We have officially ruined the entire world. What the fuck was I talking about? Fish have feelings. I mean, they have nerves and can literally FEEL. I've heard that they are the most "humanely" slaughtered compared to all other animals, but who cares? In a nutshell, those gills that allow fish to breathe under water collapse when they are out of water. It is basically like someone cut off your arms and is holding your nostrils and mouth shut, but teasing you with the tiniest bit of air every minute. Again, who cares? It's not like this fish is THINKING anything. It's just fucking flopping around like a god damned idiot.
This brings me to my final thought on the subject:
"I am at the top of the food chain. I am smarter than the animal. The animal makes me strong. I will eat the animal."
This is sort of, kind of, ALMOST... sound logic.
It wasn't until today, playing with my cats and thinking about how I was only going to eat fish that I catch myself, that I realized my compassion for animals outweighs my desire for the perfect diet. I could seriously cry again. It makes me so unbelievably furious to think about how intelligent we think we are and still live the way that we live. We are smarter than the animal. That is the fucking point. Saying that we are smarter than something, so we should eat it is like saying the sun feels good, so we should travel there. People feel like they deserve to eat animals for being "more intelligent." I love a few clichés and this is one of them- This life owes you nothing. Humans don't deserve fuck all and animals shouldn't have to suffer because of our miserable fucking conscientious ignorance and mislead antiquated priorities. There is nothing more I feel I need to say that isn't portrayed well enough by the documentaries on Netflix.
So, starting today, I will no longer eat a living thing or it's byproduct, unless I pull a Portlandia and travel to the farm and see with my own eyes that the hen and/or cow is living in stellar conditions. Then, it is possible I will buy eggs or cheese from them. It's not something I'm going to do soon. I don't need to eat those things, but when I have time and money, I think it will be fun to visit a smelly old farm... assuming, of course, that the animals are fucking super pumped to be there :)
I've said before that my only conviction is not having any convictions... and being vegan sure as fuck sounds like a conviction, but while I'm most likely going to live this way forever, I am ever changing and open to solid information that may influence a sway in my beliefs. It is also possible that cows could become anthropomorphic beings that want to end humanity AND consumption of their newly evolved brains cures aging and depression. I will, at that point, murder the fuck out of some cows. Shit! I'm already thinking about how we would HAVE to try to gain an understanding with them because we shouldn't have to resort to eating each other no matter what the benefit. Fuck.
More stock phrases from vegans, while interesting and encouraged to repeat to your uninformed peers, are not adding to my growth as a human:
No other animal drinks other animal's milk. Animals drink their own species milk as babies, then they grow up and drink blood (unless of course they are herbivores). So, uuuhhh... I don't get this argument. Animals are fucking awesome. I love them, but they aren't as smart as we are. We don't need to follow them in any way. They do what is innate. We learn from shit and adapt. I don't know how I feel about milk, so I just don't drink it. I stopped drinking milk well before I thought about vegetarianism. I think humans got a lot of things wrong. Harvesting milk is one of them. I would still rather a more valid or scientific argument. With all that being said, it is sort of interesting to ponder.
Our intestines are designed for a plant based diet. Makes sense to me, but do you have the consensus from every scientist and doctor in the world? Didn't think so. All animals have different digestive tracts. Think about a snake. They eat shit WHOLE. They do not give a fuck because their digestive tract rules so hard it breaks down rabbit skulls that provide nutrients and the meaning to life. Fuck, snakes are so cool. Our digestive tract is too complex to say this diet is right or that diet is wrong. I am convinced that towards the end of my life we will start seeing more powder based diets. There will be shitty versions that are all chemically extracted and weird and there will be raw versions that are basically large quantities of dried produce. There will be grand debates on enjoying food versus the perfect human diet. We will see...
[Some fucking produce ingredient] is a superfood. I understand. I really do. You see a raw, completely natural food with amazing amounts of nutrients and you want people to know about it, so you call it a SUPERfood. Like my fiancée says, it's just a fucking buzzword. Walk into a grocery store, the first thing you will see is the produce department. ALL of that food is SUPER. It all provides your body with what it needs to keep fucking up this earth. I know some have MORE of whatever you need, but I don't care. Moderation is fucking supreme. If moderation is supreme, then why not have a little fish? AH FUCK OFF! because as far as I'm concerned it shouldn't be an option, you imaginary dick!
I feel bad now. These aren't destructive thoughts. I'm just an advocate of authenticity. What do YOU really think? Not everything everyone says can be original, but think before you speak. Like, do a lot of thinking. Your deathbed you will thank now you.
In the preface of my 1995 edition of The Great Gatsby, Matthew J Bruccoli writes about F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Literary miracles are the work of writers who come closer than other writers to expressing what is in their minds..."
I will never, whether through lyric, essay, nor novel, be able to fully express what I am thinking. This was a feeble attempt at expressing one small part of my opinion on a very large topic.
What is a vegan post without ANIMAL PICTURES? Here are my adorable cats, Turanga Leela and Daisy Buchanan:
Did you know that Oreos are fucking vegan? I mean, they are barely food, but they are vegan.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Avocado Life Hack
I want to start every new post with, "I fucking love [whatever the main ingredient is]" because I do. I love food and I really love food that tastes good and is good for you.
I fucking love avocados. I eat a cup of guacamole about 4 times a week. There is MUCH more you can do with avocados than put it on sandwiches or turn it into guac, though.
You see that giant hole left in the center of the avocado? That is no coincidence. It was meant to be filled with stuff. Avocados are awesome vehicles for other awesome food and you are a vessel of crap that needs to utilize this information.
That is my fall salsa in the avocado that had agave in it. It was AMAZING.
At this point, at least one person is thinking, "But avocados are, like, all fat, right?" SHUT... THE... FUCK... UP! That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever... who gives... I mean, it grew on a tree. I'm not telling you to eat 5 a day. They ARE all fat, but it's SO NATURAL. If you are still eating poor baby animals and cake everyday, then maybe this post isn't for you, but if not, then go grab an avocado, smother it in stuff, and shove it in your face.
Also, I'm awake super late every night. Chopping veggies and cooking them can be quite loud and I have a beautiful angel of a fiancee trying to sleep. Avocados are so buttery ass smooth that they will take you out for a night on the town and have there way with your mouth without ever saying a word. Some of you might not understand that. I'm saying they don't make a noise when you cut them, so the only person in your life who matters wont be disturbed.
I fucking love avocados. I eat a cup of guacamole about 4 times a week. There is MUCH more you can do with avocados than put it on sandwiches or turn it into guac, though.
ingredients:
1/2 avocado
1 pit worth of soy sauce
I used to eat this ALL the time because it's so brainlessly delicious. How the fuck did I figure this one out? I used to eat sushi pretty often, but I SO rarely eat fish, that I will just get avocado and sweet potato rolls, BUT they aren't super filling and one night I wanted MORE. So I grabbed an avocado, used the rest of the ginger and wasabi, and filled this bad boy with some soy sauce.
ingredients:
1/2 avocado
1 pit worth of agave
juice of a wedge of lime
salt
I don't really care what everyone thinks about sweeteners. None of them should be used in large quantities, but if it's straight from a plant or tree, then I'm down with it. I think I stole this from someone, but who cares?
The possibilities are endless with what you can put in an avocado. Check this shit out:
The possibilities are endless with what you can put in an avocado. Check this shit out:
That is my fall salsa in the avocado that had agave in it. It was AMAZING.
Also, I'm awake super late every night. Chopping veggies and cooking them can be quite loud and I have a beautiful angel of a fiancee trying to sleep. Avocados are so buttery ass smooth that they will take you out for a night on the town and have there way with your mouth without ever saying a word. Some of you might not understand that. I'm saying they don't make a noise when you cut them, so the only person in your life who matters wont be disturbed.
Grocery shopping
I initially intended for this to be a SUPER SIMPLE recipe for an avocado snack, but food photographs so fucking well that I had to make this a post on its own.
I had a long description typed out about working in produce, my history with food, and how I came to appreciate it all, but I remembered that nobody gives a fuck. I'm not trying to brag, like... hey look at how fucking healthy I am, but I DO stop at my refrigerator during a tour of my apartment and say, "and here is what a fridge is suppose to look like." I'm just kidding. I just thought of it, but now I will totally be saying that if I get the opportunity to give someone a tour of my apartment.
I usually shop twice a week on my break at Whole Foods. Well, I shop pretty much every day I work, but it's just a few things here and there. Since the majority of my food is super perishable, it only makes sense. Plus, I don't really have time to stand looking at the weird ingredients in a fake log of meat while I'm on break, so I buy what I am comfortable with- products that have minimal ingredients and, of course, PRODUCE:
Turnip is another one of those words that has a foul ring to it that sticks with you from childhood. Only grandparents eat turnips, right? Fuck you. Fuck that. Look at this fucking thing! Why the fuck doesn't everyone buy a turnip every time they shop? It looks like a seductive painting of the perfect piece of candy forged by hands made of baby innocence.
and what the fuck is this thing? It's a squash. You are thinking, "but that doesn't look like a butternut squash to me...". That's because there are other fucking squash besides butternut. This is a delicata. It's suppose to be tasty as hell. Not only that, but this thing looks super cool. That's why I bought it.
This is celery root. I don't have a clue what I'm suppose to do with this, but they sell it for you to eat surrounded by foods that are delicious. By my superior skills of deduction, that means it's going to rule.
Grocery stores can be intimidating. Especially the produce department. Go to the store when you aren't rushed. Look at ingredients. Ask questions. Make fun of the produce posers (there are seriously people who will squeeze and listen to fruit that you can tell is ripe or not by glancing at it).
aaaaand the internet is amazing. In the last two minutes I was able to look up nutrition information and ways to cook celery root. I fucking swear that you can do this kind of thing too. They have a lot of different search engines out there, but google is pretty well received.
I assume anyone reading this is an adult... so act like it and go buy some produce.
I'm going to sleep.
I had a long description typed out about working in produce, my history with food, and how I came to appreciate it all, but I remembered that nobody gives a fuck. I'm not trying to brag, like... hey look at how fucking healthy I am, but I DO stop at my refrigerator during a tour of my apartment and say, "and here is what a fridge is suppose to look like." I'm just kidding. I just thought of it, but now I will totally be saying that if I get the opportunity to give someone a tour of my apartment.
I usually shop twice a week on my break at Whole Foods. Well, I shop pretty much every day I work, but it's just a few things here and there. Since the majority of my food is super perishable, it only makes sense. Plus, I don't really have time to stand looking at the weird ingredients in a fake log of meat while I'm on break, so I buy what I am comfortable with- products that have minimal ingredients and, of course, PRODUCE:
What really needs to be noted is how beautiful this shit looks.
and what the fuck is this thing? It's a squash. You are thinking, "but that doesn't look like a butternut squash to me...". That's because there are other fucking squash besides butternut. This is a delicata. It's suppose to be tasty as hell. Not only that, but this thing looks super cool. That's why I bought it.
Grocery stores can be intimidating. Especially the produce department. Go to the store when you aren't rushed. Look at ingredients. Ask questions. Make fun of the produce posers (there are seriously people who will squeeze and listen to fruit that you can tell is ripe or not by glancing at it).
aaaaand the internet is amazing. In the last two minutes I was able to look up nutrition information and ways to cook celery root. I fucking swear that you can do this kind of thing too. They have a lot of different search engines out there, but google is pretty well received.
I assume anyone reading this is an adult... so act like it and go buy some produce.
I'm going to sleep.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Black Bean Patties
Where do I start? Iron? Premature boozin'? Frozen processed meat alternatives? I don't know. I'm tired. The point I really want to get across here is that this creation shouldn't be called fucking "burgers". While if you look up a definition of "burger" on the internet, I'm sure it will have some secondary catch-all along the lines of, something similar to beef in a patty form, or whatever, but fuck that. I'm fairly sure that "burger" short for "hamburger" comes from Hamburg, Germany. No matter what the etymology, I don't think the fuckers who named the hamburger ever intended on mashed beans being allowed to share a name with the meal of ground bovine flesh. At the same time, I suppose it doesn't really fucking matter. I'm just sayin', I haven't had a burger in over two years, and I'll probably never have one again, but I will eat the fuck out of patties made from a bunch of different shit.
I had my first black bean "burger" at Earwax (RIP) in Wicker Park/Bucktown. I remember thinking, "this doesn't taste like a burger, but it tastes good." Maybe that's why I have this disdain for the word "burger" when you are referring to anything other than meat. It's misleading. That's totally it. Anyway, it didn't change my life, but it definitely opened my eyes. It was a damn good sandwich and I've tried endless amounts of black bean sandwiches since.
I could type and type about how iron helps carry, store, and use oxygen throughout our bodies, or that you should eat beans with sweet potatoes so your body absorbs the iron properly, or that meat is a better a source of iron because it is easier for your body to absorb it, but nobody really cares and if they do, then they can send me an e-mail or a hand written letter or ... School sucks. I'm so fucking tired.
Really though, fuck getting iron from meat. Sometimes you don't do what is easiest because you fucking love big dumb animals. Besides, black bean sandwiches are delicious, super easy to make, and wont fucking kill you if you don't cook it well enough.
Black Bean Patties
Put the flax in a small bowl and pour the water on it. Mix it up and set aside. It will turn into a semi gelatenous substance that looks like this (not that much, though. I used way too much):
Dump the cans of beans into a strainer and rinse the fuck out of them (now, I'm trying to keep this simple so I didn't use a blender, but if you have one throw about 1/3 of the beans into it and put the rest in the biggest bowl you have). If you do not have a blender, dump all the beans in the big bowl. Cut off two slivers of a whole onion and set to the side so you can throw it on your sandwich at the end. Chop the rest of the onion into baby dick sized pieces. Saute those fuckers. I used agave and balsamic to really caramelize 'em, but as usual, you don't have to use anything. Take them off the burner once they are nice and brown, so they can cool.
Combine the cooled onions, your flax binder, beans, and spices (I ended up just using garlic and onion salt) in to your big ass bowl. (If you are using the blender method then you should add the flax to the little bit of beans in the blender until uniform. Then add that to everything else.)
Mush it up with your hands and form patties (yields 6. 1 not shown).
While cooking your onions in olive oil was optional, this time you are going to have to heat up some oil in the pan so your patties wont stick. So, heat up oil and throw your patties on the fucking pan. Keep it at a medium heat. 3 or so minutes for each side. These things are obviously pretty delicate, but don't be a baby if they don't stay in the form of a patty, they'll still taste great. *EDIT- after sitting in the fridge for a night they actually hold up pretty well.*
Assemble your sandwich. Go get some good bread. Man, good bread is good.
Fake cheese and fake mayo- I really do like how they taste, but I don't really use it for healthful reasons.
This isn't my best recipe. It really kind of needs those extra ingredients everyone else uses that I left out- potatoes, quinoa, oats, eggs instead of flax or something to help make it less of a ball of mush, but the pictures looked good so I decided to post it anyway. One thing I didn't expect was that the raw onions on top was pretty important. Flavor combos. Shit. Rather than making a side of fries or eating chips, I just threw an extra patty on some kale with bbq sauce and devoured it all.
I need to figure out a way to organize this better. You know, like here is the simple recipe, here is the advanced version kind of thing. This was way too long and seemed too serious. Did I mention I'm tired?
I had my first black bean "burger" at Earwax (RIP) in Wicker Park/Bucktown. I remember thinking, "this doesn't taste like a burger, but it tastes good." Maybe that's why I have this disdain for the word "burger" when you are referring to anything other than meat. It's misleading. That's totally it. Anyway, it didn't change my life, but it definitely opened my eyes. It was a damn good sandwich and I've tried endless amounts of black bean sandwiches since.
I could type and type about how iron helps carry, store, and use oxygen throughout our bodies, or that you should eat beans with sweet potatoes so your body absorbs the iron properly, or that meat is a better a source of iron because it is easier for your body to absorb it, but nobody really cares and if they do, then they can send me an e-mail or a hand written letter or ... School sucks. I'm so fucking tired.
Really though, fuck getting iron from meat. Sometimes you don't do what is easiest because you fucking love big dumb animals. Besides, black bean sandwiches are delicious, super easy to make, and wont fucking kill you if you don't cook it well enough.
Black Bean Patties
-2 cans black beans (or 1 black and 1 white because you don't have 2 cans of the same bean)
-1 onion
-uhhhh 2 big spoons of ground flax
-uhhhhh 1/4 cup water cup of water (or as needed)
-A bit of olive oil
-garlic clove (optional)
-garlic powder (optional)
-salt (optional)
Put the flax in a small bowl and pour the water on it. Mix it up and set aside. It will turn into a semi gelatenous substance that looks like this (not that much, though. I used way too much):
Dump the cans of beans into a strainer and rinse the fuck out of them (now, I'm trying to keep this simple so I didn't use a blender, but if you have one throw about 1/3 of the beans into it and put the rest in the biggest bowl you have). If you do not have a blender, dump all the beans in the big bowl. Cut off two slivers of a whole onion and set to the side so you can throw it on your sandwich at the end. Chop the rest of the onion into baby dick sized pieces. Saute those fuckers. I used agave and balsamic to really caramelize 'em, but as usual, you don't have to use anything. Take them off the burner once they are nice and brown, so they can cool.
Combine the cooled onions, your flax binder, beans, and spices (I ended up just using garlic and onion salt) in to your big ass bowl. (If you are using the blender method then you should add the flax to the little bit of beans in the blender until uniform. Then add that to everything else.)
Mush it up with your hands and form patties (yields 6. 1 not shown).
Assemble your sandwich. Go get some good bread. Man, good bread is good.
Fake cheese and fake mayo- I really do like how they taste, but I don't really use it for healthful reasons.
This isn't my best recipe. It really kind of needs those extra ingredients everyone else uses that I left out- potatoes, quinoa, oats, eggs instead of flax or something to help make it less of a ball of mush, but the pictures looked good so I decided to post it anyway. One thing I didn't expect was that the raw onions on top was pretty important. Flavor combos. Shit. Rather than making a side of fries or eating chips, I just threw an extra patty on some kale with bbq sauce and devoured it all.
I need to figure out a way to organize this better. You know, like here is the simple recipe, here is the advanced version kind of thing. This was way too long and seemed too serious. Did I mention I'm tired?
Whatever Is In The Fridge Tacos
Everybody has some shit in their fridge that they want to use, but don't know what to do with it. My solution to this life threatening dilemma is to turn it into a taco. Tacos are so fucking good. I eat tacos about 4 times a week. I am the fucking picture of health because of it. Here is why:
Whatever Is In The Fridge Tacos
Ingredients:
-That thing in your fridge you want to use
-Corn Tortillas (or flour, I guess. If you want to put useless fucking garbage into your body)
-Chili Powder (optional)
-Onions (optional)
-Cilantro (NOT A FUCKING OPTION. Cilantro rules.)
-salt
Chop up the stuff. Put a pan on top of a fire for a minute. Throw the chopped stuff in that pan. You can use oil, but you really only need it for stuff that sticks to a pan. You would be surprised at how many foods sweat and don't stick naturally, PLUS it doesn't taste like fucking oil. Fuck oil. Potatoes are a good example of something you do need oil for. Put chili powder all over it. Put the hot food on a tortilla and eat it with some sauce or not.
Whatever Is In The Fridge Tacos
Ingredients:
-That thing in your fridge you want to use
-Corn Tortillas (or flour, I guess. If you want to put useless fucking garbage into your body)
-Chili Powder (optional)
-Onions (optional)
-Cilantro (NOT A FUCKING OPTION. Cilantro rules.)
-salt
Chop up the stuff. Put a pan on top of a fire for a minute. Throw the chopped stuff in that pan. You can use oil, but you really only need it for stuff that sticks to a pan. You would be surprised at how many foods sweat and don't stick naturally, PLUS it doesn't taste like fucking oil. Fuck oil. Potatoes are a good example of something you do need oil for. Put chili powder all over it. Put the hot food on a tortilla and eat it with some sauce or not.
This could also be called the Whatever Is In your Fridge Sandwich, Burrito, or Pizza, but I'll save those for other recipes and we can pretend they're new.
Another go to option for me is a"fajita". I don't really know what constitutes a fajita, but I ALWAYS have a butt load of onions. So, if I ever have mushrooms and peppers in the fridge, you can expect some fucking fajita farts. You know what, that'll be another recipe. This shit is easy.
Anyway, last week I had a rutabaga because I am like an infant in a grocery store and just grab shit and throw it in my cart. I don't know what the fuck to do with rutabagas, so instead of looking shit up on the internet I threw it, carrots, and onions in a pan. Then I put my Fall Salsa on it and very sincerely enjoyed it. When food tastes SUPER good and it's practically all vegetables, you want to quit wearing deoderant and believe in a god.
I need another blog to post things that I want to say, but shouldn't. Like:
Sometimes combinations of foods you've tried before taste like something new and it feels so good. Like, what I imagine Christopher Columbus felt like when he was raping Native Americans. (You know, because I'm discovering something, and we all pretend like he discovered something. That's the connection I am inferring.)
I mean, that doesn't really hurt anyone, but I still feel uncomfortable about it.
Now, go make a taco.
Fall Salsa
Salsa fucking rules. Unfortunately, tomatoes already taste like solid piss this time of year, so instead of remaining on my knees at the unmerciful industries that preserve our produce to the point where it's indistinguishable from human excrement, I adapted the recipe to utilize what is actually IN season. Apples are SO in season right now that you should wear them. Sweet blogger humor, amirite? Shut the fuck up.
This time last year, if you said, "APPLE." An image of a Red Delicious would pop into my head. I don't love to assume (yes I do, because I'm usually fucking dead on), but I'm betting a lot of people think the same thing. For 25 fucking years I was under the impression that that was what apples were suppose to taste like, Red Deliciouses. They should rename it to Red Piss, because that is what they taste like. Fuck renaming it. They should take every Red Delicious seed that exists, bury them all in fucking Texas, and nuke them. I love my parents, but I respect them so much less for allowing me to think that is what any human should consume. Then, at some point, I want to say January of this year, a friend handed me an Organic Pink Lady. He was all, "you have to try this" and I was like, "eh, I don't give a fuck about apples, really, but I'm not a fucking dick, so thanks, I'll try it."
My reaction to the first bite would most likely be best represented by a meme of a baby animal caught with a shocking look on its face even though it was probably just a coincidence and the Internet fucking tricked you into believing something that isn't true just like the government, food industries, and everyone else in the world does everyday, but I would rather type what I just typed.
It tasted like candy. It tasted very close to a green jolly rancher. I never... I fucking... I had to call my mother and yell at her. Then I talked about it for months.
It is nearly a year later, now I work in produce and have tried a bunch of different apples, and you should too.
I used Gala apples for my salsa because they are a neutral apple. Neutral apple? Not too sweet. Not too tart. If you weren't subjected to Red Delicouses your whole life, you would probably already know that.
Fall Salsa
Ingredients:
-2 or 3 APPLES (just don't use Granny Smith or Red or Golden delicious because those are fucking awful no matter what time of year)
-1/2 a small red ONION (or any other onion because who gives a fuck?)
-as much JALAPENO as you can hang with (...or any other pepper because who gives a fuck?)
-CILANTRO (If you give a fuck... and you do. Cilantro is amazing)
-LIME (Also, only if you give fucks. I use half a lime.)
-SALT
LOOK AT THESE FUCKING INGREDIENTS. ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.
Cut it all the fuck up. Like, when you think it's small enough, fucking cut it some more. Throw it in a bowl. Mix it up with your fingers. Spoons are for babies. Eat it with everything.
I've made variations of this about 4 times this month in large quantities and it only tastes better after you let it sit in the fridge for a day. 
Cut it all the fuck up. Like, when you think it's small enough, fucking cut it some more. Throw it in a bowl. Mix it up with your fingers. Spoons are for babies. Eat it with everything.
In a previous post, I divulged my disinterest in fruit. It is recipes like this that help people like me reverse ailments such as fuckfruititis. I never give myself time to eat in the morning, so this is great to have sitting around. In my irritable, misanthropic morning state you can often find me with a bag of tortilla chips, scooping this salsa right out of the fridge. I immediately transform into a benevolent sack of energy with intentions only of selfless righteousness and compassion.
As it turns out, if YOU eat this for for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all of your sins are absolved because heaven exists and you are fucking invited.
Tomato Mango Dressing
I would wait until next year to make this one, but fuck is it good.
People are so fucking stupid. Dressings are TERRIBLE for you and you punish your delicious salad by dowsing it in processed, oily, cute baby animal tears filled, liquid garbage. I stole this from some chick on the internet who was really annoying. Honestly, she might have used a peach, Or I used a peach because I didn't have a mango at the time. I have no idea. You can use either:
Tomato Mango Dressing
1 Tomato
1 Mango
or maybe
1 tomato
1 peach
Fuck it:
1 tomato
1/2 a peach
1/2 a mango
Blend it. Put it on stuff. You may add salt, but it is not necessary.
People are so fucking stupid. Dressings are TERRIBLE for you and you punish your delicious salad by dowsing it in processed, oily, cute baby animal tears filled, liquid garbage. I stole this from some chick on the internet who was really annoying. Honestly, she might have used a peach, Or I used a peach because I didn't have a mango at the time. I have no idea. You can use either:
Tomato Mango Dressing
1 Tomato
1 Mango
or maybe
1 tomato
1 peach
Fuck it:
1 tomato
1/2 a peach
1/2 a mango
Blend it. Put it on stuff. You may add salt, but it is not necessary.
Dessert for breakfast.
I don't really like fruit... or I didn't until recently...
I've never really been hungry and thought, "a fucking piece of fruit would hit the spot right now." Yet for the last few years I usually forced a banana or apple down my throat (insert typical ignorant remark here) just so I didn't feel like I was starving on the drive to school or work.
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," You will say without actually thinking about it, and then follow up that thought with, "it gets your metabolism going." Again, without having any real knowledge of how your metabolism works or what it means. None of this is wrong, you're just doing it wrong. Breakfast is important, but you don't need to make it a meal in the modern sense of the word. So what is the answer?
Smoothies.
I'm not a fan of poking fun of sexual orientation, but smoothies are the gayest fucking thing you could make. So what? For some reason that banana I didn't care to eat in the morning tastes AMAZING after it's blended with some berries and an apple. I don't understand the science behind it, but I think of it like combining King of Queens and True Blood. Both of those shows fucking suck. Together, it would probably be a lot more interesting. I could easily come up with 20 simple smoothie recipes, which, at some point I may, but for now, here is a very simple smoothie that will make you question whether or not you like dick.
A Fucking Smoothie
1 banana
1 apple (preferably organic. They do weird shit to apples)
1/2 a handful blueberries
1/2 an orange (peeled, ya nincompoop)
some water (don't fucking ask me about milk or yogurt. It's gross. I know, I know... what about almond, coconut, hemp, rice, flax, etc milk? They put weird shit in that too. Make your own flax milk and then we can talk.)
Blend that shit! Add water until you have your desired thickness. I put a ton in. I want to drink it, not eat it. I have found that if you start with a banana, you can throw in any other fruit in any other quantity and it's going to be good.
Things to consider adding because they are super good for you:
Flax seeds(ground, your body doesn't break down whole flax well, apparently.)
Chia seeds (not ground, these will form a gel around the outside of the seed when it is submerged in liquid.)
Ginger
lime and other citrus
Greens (you will not see any veggie smoothies on this website. I eat a fuck ton of vegetables, I don't drink them unless someone else juiced them for me. Oh yea, I don't make my own juice. While it is SUPER good for you, it is a pain in the fucking ass.)
Why are these things good for you? Ask me later. No, seriously, I will totally give you quick, informed answers.
I've never really been hungry and thought, "a fucking piece of fruit would hit the spot right now." Yet for the last few years I usually forced a banana or apple down my throat (insert typical ignorant remark here) just so I didn't feel like I was starving on the drive to school or work.
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," You will say without actually thinking about it, and then follow up that thought with, "it gets your metabolism going." Again, without having any real knowledge of how your metabolism works or what it means. None of this is wrong, you're just doing it wrong. Breakfast is important, but you don't need to make it a meal in the modern sense of the word. So what is the answer?
Smoothies.
I'm not a fan of poking fun of sexual orientation, but smoothies are the gayest fucking thing you could make. So what? For some reason that banana I didn't care to eat in the morning tastes AMAZING after it's blended with some berries and an apple. I don't understand the science behind it, but I think of it like combining King of Queens and True Blood. Both of those shows fucking suck. Together, it would probably be a lot more interesting. I could easily come up with 20 simple smoothie recipes, which, at some point I may, but for now, here is a very simple smoothie that will make you question whether or not you like dick.
A Fucking Smoothie
1 banana
1 apple (preferably organic. They do weird shit to apples)
1/2 a handful blueberries
1/2 an orange (peeled, ya nincompoop)
some water (don't fucking ask me about milk or yogurt. It's gross. I know, I know... what about almond, coconut, hemp, rice, flax, etc milk? They put weird shit in that too. Make your own flax milk and then we can talk.)
Blend that shit! Add water until you have your desired thickness. I put a ton in. I want to drink it, not eat it. I have found that if you start with a banana, you can throw in any other fruit in any other quantity and it's going to be good.
Things to consider adding because they are super good for you:
Flax seeds(ground, your body doesn't break down whole flax well, apparently.)
Chia seeds (not ground, these will form a gel around the outside of the seed when it is submerged in liquid.)
Ginger
lime and other citrus
Greens (you will not see any veggie smoothies on this website. I eat a fuck ton of vegetables, I don't drink them unless someone else juiced them for me. Oh yea, I don't make my own juice. While it is SUPER good for you, it is a pain in the fucking ass.)
Why are these things good for you? Ask me later. No, seriously, I will totally give you quick, informed answers.
Sour Cream and Onion Dipshit
This is one of my first and favorite recipes. It's so simple you will feel mentally challenged. I don't remember where I got the idea for it. I think I "followed" some other recipe for something wildly different, but with similar spices. I remember thinking, "this fucking tastes like French Onion Sun Chips!" So, I did what any man of god would do, I turned it into a dip, made it super fucking healthy, and free of cute baby animal secretions.
That Onion Dip Shit
- 1 Avocado
- like a quarter of an onion
- some nutritional yeast
- dill
- salt.
Blend that shit. Don't have a blender? Mash it up with your hands (Blenders are a wise investment, though, if you give a fuck about food and making shit easier for yourself). Shove it in your fucking mouth with whatever else is delicious. I eat it like soup.
If you are unfamiliar with nutritional yeast, just go to whole foods, lick your finger and stick it in the bulk bin marked "nutritional yeast." Put that finger in your mouth and see if you like it. Actually, I don't know if I would do that. I like it on it's own, but it is definitely something that compliments other shit. I don't even know how I feel about its nutritional value. Vegans use it to replace cheese. None of it matters, though, because this dip wouldn't taste like the end of a bag of sun chips if it wasn't in there.
While you are at the market pick up some fresh dill. I know what you are thinking, "BUT I HAVE SOME DRIED DILL IN THE FUCKING BACK OF MY CABINET FROM WHEN I WAS SIX!" Well, you are not six now and fresh herbs not only taste like they were intended for you to eat them that way, but they are fucking good for you. I swear. Look it up.
That Onion Dip Shit
- 1 Avocado
- like a quarter of an onion
- some nutritional yeast
- dill
- salt.
Blend that shit. Don't have a blender? Mash it up with your hands (Blenders are a wise investment, though, if you give a fuck about food and making shit easier for yourself). Shove it in your fucking mouth with whatever else is delicious. I eat it like soup.
If you are unfamiliar with nutritional yeast, just go to whole foods, lick your finger and stick it in the bulk bin marked "nutritional yeast." Put that finger in your mouth and see if you like it. Actually, I don't know if I would do that. I like it on it's own, but it is definitely something that compliments other shit. I don't even know how I feel about its nutritional value. Vegans use it to replace cheese. None of it matters, though, because this dip wouldn't taste like the end of a bag of sun chips if it wasn't in there.
While you are at the market pick up some fresh dill. I know what you are thinking, "BUT I HAVE SOME DRIED DILL IN THE FUCKING BACK OF MY CABINET FROM WHEN I WAS SIX!" Well, you are not six now and fresh herbs not only taste like they were intended for you to eat them that way, but they are fucking good for you. I swear. Look it up.
ANOTHER Food Related Blog?!
Intentions: Easy, healthy, and delicious recipes. I know, super fucking original, right? Well, people seem to like this trash, and I'm the king of garbage, so here we go.
First of all, I need to express that I feel like 95% of recipes should be taken with a grain of salt (pun fucking intended). Seriously, people like my mother who read a recipe like it's an incantation that will save a baby goat from being slaughtered make me laugh... and cry because it's so mindless and boring. I have always looked at recipes for the ingredients. Usually, I don't write them down and what I remember ends up in the final product. This is how they became my recipes. Everything is a derivative of something else and that goes for everything in this world.
So don't complain if my proportions aren't perfect. I don't use a measuring cup unless it's for rice. You don't fuck with rice.
If you fuck up the portions, who gives a fuck? You wasted 5 bucks because you over seasoned your food. That's called learning and although I know it is foreign to most people, it's totally encouraged.
I will TRY to keep the recipes simple and healthy, but I don't subscribe to ANY convictions. There is NO right or wrong in this life. Vegan, not vegan, healthy, not healthy, simple, complex... I eat it all and just lean certain ways.
Nobody wants to read a preface. On to the combinations of ingredients that make things taste like more complex things so your tongue isn't bored...
First of all, I need to express that I feel like 95% of recipes should be taken with a grain of salt (pun fucking intended). Seriously, people like my mother who read a recipe like it's an incantation that will save a baby goat from being slaughtered make me laugh... and cry because it's so mindless and boring. I have always looked at recipes for the ingredients. Usually, I don't write them down and what I remember ends up in the final product. This is how they became my recipes. Everything is a derivative of something else and that goes for everything in this world.
So don't complain if my proportions aren't perfect. I don't use a measuring cup unless it's for rice. You don't fuck with rice.
If you fuck up the portions, who gives a fuck? You wasted 5 bucks because you over seasoned your food. That's called learning and although I know it is foreign to most people, it's totally encouraged.
I will TRY to keep the recipes simple and healthy, but I don't subscribe to ANY convictions. There is NO right or wrong in this life. Vegan, not vegan, healthy, not healthy, simple, complex... I eat it all and just lean certain ways.
Nobody wants to read a preface. On to the combinations of ingredients that make things taste like more complex things so your tongue isn't bored...
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