Why are you writing about veganism? You're not vegan... right?
I really don't know where to start. This isn't intended to persuade anyone into veganism. It's kind of a conversation I have with myself pretty often that I will feel much better about once it is forever etched in cyber stone.
It's only been a week since I started this blog and I already talk out what I'm going to write while I'm cooking. I never remember any of it because I'm as adept at retaining my own thoughts as a dinosaur is at existing. So, even though I have seen the pictures and videos of how unfathomably inconsiderate our food system is and have extensively researched the topic in the past, I still need to analyze the diet, assess my current opinion, and either gain strength in that opinion or develop a new one.
Okay, so you're ALMOST vegan (fucking poser) and you want to gain a better understanding of why you make the choices you make... Why do you need to post about it on the internet?
I don't, but this isn't fucking facebook. This is my stupid fucking blog and I like to write. I like to discuss things that matter to me. No one has to read this. If you are having negative feelings toward me or the topic at hand, please direct yourself to another website. Maybe you are not familiar with, on the fence about, or mildly interested in my experience with veganism. These are reasons to continue reading.
Fuck. Preemptive counter-argument with an imaginary audience. Fuck.
Lastly, why are you hesitant about this topic?
Writing about veganism in a serious manner is like writing about the use of the word hipster in a serious manner. People become unnecessarily defensive with this stuff. Speculatively, people who really enjoy eating meat, don't want to think about what they eat, or don't care about what they eat may be annoyed by this discussion and lash out by making fun of it, becoming antagonistic, or unintentionally creating a strongly opinionated façade opposing the topic. I'm hesitant because I want to avoid this outcome. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it better be well informed.
Okay, thanks for the preface, wiener. Get on with it...
It has been exactly three years since I met my fiancée. She has been a vegetarian for a decade and I was always interested in eating healthier, so I ate a lot less meat when I was around her. I, like most people contemplating vegetarianism, was concerned with protein, getting the right amount of nutrients, being full, and being bored with a lack of variety. The most comical aspect of this thought process is that while you are arguing with yourself about whether or not being a vegetarian will be better for you than where you are at now, you are most likely accepting pulverized animal waste in a bag of grease out of a fucking window from a corporation that gives precisely none of a fuck about humankind, let alone you or any animal.
There is probably a poorly written list or video somewhere on the internet about the most common misconceptions of vegans or something along those lines, but I feel it necessary to reiterate a few things I've noticed:
The most common stance on veganism seems to be interested, but with a conscious stubborn lack of will power. What I am referring to is this blunder of a string of words, "I would love to be vegan, but I don't think I could stop eating [Meat/Cheese/Bacon/ETC.]" Then, usually to follow that stock statement is this stock response, "You don't have to give those things up. They make great alternatives." Which they have made some gnarly strides on making soy and wheat taste like other stuff, but it's truly not important. It is a GREAT stepping stone for anyone who does desire a vegan lifestyle, but it's not the best response to this embarrassing excuse for not attempting a plant based diet. If you want to do something, do it. There is NO difference between a man saying he would like to stop drinking, but he couldn't give up his 3 beers before bed and a person not being able to stop eating burgers. These are addictions. They may not be life-threatening addictions, but they are addictions none the less. It is unfortunate that we live in a world where addiction is at every corner, but I digress. I don't want to guilt anyone into veganism. I simply think you should stop sympathizing before you say you don't think you could stop eating meat. If you admit you just don't want to give up meat, that is an entirely different story. You should let me show you some documentaries and actually murder your own meal sometime, but we'll let you slide for now.
Back to me. Without any legitimate research or intent, I decided to quit eating meat. I think it felt important. Just like writing this feels important to me at this exact moment. It's fucking not, but I don't believe in an afterlife. It used to bother me as a child, but I grew up, drank a lot of booze, and it bothered me less. Then, I quit drinking like an asshole (for the most part ;))and it started bothering me again. Now, every minute I'm alive feels like it needs to be productive. Ultimately, none of it is important, but certain things FEEL important. On a visceral level, my diet suddenly felt important. Quickly, I adopted health as being the reason for my new diet. Things I told myself - I'll never have to worry about cholesterol, fat content is greatly decreased, it will be a lot easier to avoid processed foods (wrong), and fast food wont even be an option (also kind of wrong. I know vegans who eat fries like there is a fucking extra life at the bottom of every bag, but I haven't been to a McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy's in almost two years. Cool, Chris. STFU). Knowing that I wasn't contributing to the suffering of god's baby creatures was just a bonus.
Feeling a lack of variety couldn't have been more wrong. I need to stop and think about what I'm going to say because my thought vomit is taking control of my fingers and I need to pee. It wasn't until I cut meat out of my diet that I started to really appreciate food. So much so that I started A FUCKING BLOG. I'm a guy. I don't like acknowledging that things I do are typical in any way, but sometimes I do things that resemble what other guys do. Eating was one of those things. When I lived on my own at 22 my refrigerator was filled with beer, Gatorade, deli meat, pizza, empty ice cube trays, about 20 frozen Banquet dinners, and pizza. It didn't matter. You eat because you will die if you don't. Besides, caring about what you eat is definitely not fucking cool (Honestly, I respect the mentality of "I eat because it is a necessity and I don't think beyond that" MUCH MORE than "Pigs are magical, how could you not eat bacon wrapped dick fat everyday?"). I used to laugh at my fiancée ("girlfriend" at the time) for turning down a tomato on her sandwich during winter. My thought was, if you are a vegetarian, you shouldn't deny yourself anything you are allowed to eat. That's where the appreciation comes in! By removing a large portion of the average diet, you notice how amazing certain foods are when they are in season, prepared properly, or combined with spices and herbs you never thought of, but before I got to that point I definitely replaced those items in my bachelor fridge with other processed meat alternatives from brands like Morning Star, Boca, and whatever the fuck my mom bought from Trader Joes. When I moved back in with my mother (who is also mostly vegan), I started looking up recipes for her to make me. This was my pathetic attempt at bonding, which, over time kind of worked, but it wasn't because of the recipes. She is a wonderful woman who works very hard and still makes my father meat filled meals. It is understandable that she wanted to relax instead of making me and herself extra meals. Since she didn't make the recipes, I started paying attention to what was in them and fiddling around in her kitchen.
Recipes lead to odd ingredients, odd ingredients lead to nutrition information, nutrition information lead to physiology, physiology lead back to nutrition information, which lead back to ingredients, which lead to veganism.
Let me give you an example: A recipe for a black bean burger might have contained quinoa or flax seeds. Since I didn't know what those ingredients were, I would look them up. Once I discovered what it is they were and what nutrients they contained, I would look up why we need those nutrients. Once I realized why we needed those nutrients, I looked for other foods that contained those nutrients. Which led me to mostly plant based foods, which is what we call "vegan".
Hold up. You're telling me when you looked up nutritional information meat and dairy never came up?!
Yeah, of course they do, but the point is that there is ALWAYS an alternative.
At this point I realized you can get all the nutrients you need without consuming ANY animal products. I've actually been stuck at this point for well over a year. I have been bargaining with myself, making compromises...
-Cheese from organic, hormone and steroid free, pasture raised cows seems healthier than processed soy cheese with carrageenan.
-Why cant I have a cage free or free range egg once in awhile?
-Fish don't feel pain and their meat is so fucking good for your heart AND central nervous system.
The central nervous system... that means your fucking brain! You love your brain and want to remember things. You HAVE to eat fish.
Tis fucking folly to be wise... FUCK:
I honestly do think that cheese that is less processed and from animals in the right conditions is better for you than fake cheese, but it is SO uncertain that the animal has been treated well, fed the right shit, not given steroids, etc. Unless you are willing to go to the farm where the cow was milked for that cheese, the only option is to not eat it.
Same thing goes for "cage free" eggs. Just because they aren't in a cages does not mean that they aren't pumped full of crazy drugs, packed in a fucking factory, wading in their own shit and dead mother's guts, not able to stand because the steroids make their bodies grow too fast for them to support themselves. I want to cry. I'm so tired. Fuck that shit. Fuck you. How can anyone not give a shit?
Fishies. There is something so elegant and admirable about sushi... at least, from what I've seen on tv. I have eaten some really good sushi. After this novella of a rant on my beliefs, I'm pretty sure I don't need to express that your Americanized eel jizz and mayo covered fried fish wrapped in other fish and topped with fish isn't elegant. It is the perfect embodiment of gluttony that our culture glorifies. "Only in America..." People begin blatantly ignorant observations with a smirk that is reminiscent of the uncomfortable air left behind a punch line from Archie Bunker. Only in America can we take an art form that requires a lifetime to perfect, strip it of its traditional beauty, and add fucking mayo to it. Come to think of it. I don't know that they don't use mayo over in Japan, but I wouldn't be surprised if they started using it because of us. We have officially ruined the entire world. What the fuck was I talking about? Fish have feelings. I mean, they have nerves and can literally FEEL. I've heard that they are the most "humanely" slaughtered compared to all other animals, but who cares? In a nutshell, those gills that allow fish to breathe under water collapse when they are out of water. It is basically like someone cut off your arms and is holding your nostrils and mouth shut, but teasing you with the tiniest bit of air every minute. Again, who cares? It's not like this fish is THINKING anything. It's just fucking flopping around like a god damned idiot.
This brings me to my final thought on the subject:
"I am at the top of the food chain. I am smarter than the animal. The animal makes me strong. I will eat the animal."
This is sort of, kind of, ALMOST... sound logic.
It wasn't until today, playing with my cats and thinking about how I was only going to eat fish that I catch myself, that I realized my compassion for animals outweighs my desire for the perfect diet. I could seriously cry again. It makes me so unbelievably furious to think about how intelligent we think we are and still live the way that we live. We are smarter than the animal. That is the fucking point. Saying that we are smarter than something, so we should eat it is like saying the sun feels good, so we should travel there. People feel like they deserve to eat animals for being "more intelligent." I love a few clichés and this is one of them- This life owes you nothing. Humans don't deserve fuck all and animals shouldn't have to suffer because of our miserable fucking conscientious ignorance and mislead antiquated priorities. There is nothing more I feel I need to say that isn't portrayed well enough by the documentaries on Netflix.
So, starting today, I will no longer eat a living thing or it's byproduct, unless I pull a Portlandia and travel to the farm and see with my own eyes that the hen and/or cow is living in stellar conditions. Then, it is possible I will buy eggs or cheese from them. It's not something I'm going to do soon. I don't need to eat those things, but when I have time and money, I think it will be fun to visit a smelly old farm... assuming, of course, that the animals are fucking super pumped to be there :)
I've said before that my only conviction is not having any convictions... and being vegan sure as fuck sounds like a conviction, but while I'm most likely going to live this way forever, I am ever changing and open to solid information that may influence a sway in my beliefs. It is also possible that cows could become anthropomorphic beings that want to end humanity AND consumption of their newly evolved brains cures aging and depression. I will, at that point, murder the fuck out of some cows. Shit! I'm already thinking about how we would HAVE to try to gain an understanding with them because we shouldn't have to resort to eating each other no matter what the benefit. Fuck.
More stock phrases from vegans, while interesting and encouraged to repeat to your uninformed peers, are not adding to my growth as a human:
No other animal drinks other animal's milk. Animals drink their own species milk as babies, then they grow up and drink blood (unless of course they are herbivores). So, uuuhhh... I don't get this argument. Animals are fucking awesome. I love them, but they aren't as smart as we are. We don't need to follow them in any way. They do what is innate. We learn from shit and adapt. I don't know how I feel about milk, so I just don't drink it. I stopped drinking milk well before I thought about vegetarianism. I think humans got a lot of things wrong. Harvesting milk is one of them. I would still rather a more valid or scientific argument. With all that being said, it is sort of interesting to ponder.
Our intestines are designed for a plant based diet. Makes sense to me, but do you have the consensus from every scientist and doctor in the world? Didn't think so. All animals have different digestive tracts. Think about a snake. They eat shit WHOLE. They do not give a fuck because their digestive tract rules so hard it breaks down rabbit skulls that provide nutrients and the meaning to life. Fuck, snakes are so cool. Our digestive tract is too complex to say this diet is right or that diet is wrong. I am convinced that towards the end of my life we will start seeing more powder based diets. There will be shitty versions that are all chemically extracted and weird and there will be raw versions that are basically large quantities of dried produce. There will be grand debates on enjoying food versus the perfect human diet. We will see...
[Some fucking produce ingredient] is a superfood. I understand. I really do. You see a raw, completely natural food with amazing amounts of nutrients and you want people to know about it, so you call it a SUPERfood. Like my fiancée says, it's just a fucking buzzword. Walk into a grocery store, the first thing you will see is the produce department. ALL of that food is SUPER. It all provides your body with what it needs to keep fucking up this earth. I know some have MORE of whatever you need, but I don't care. Moderation is fucking supreme. If moderation is supreme, then why not have a little fish? AH FUCK OFF! because as far as I'm concerned it shouldn't be an option, you imaginary dick!
I feel bad now. These aren't destructive thoughts. I'm just an advocate of authenticity. What do YOU really think? Not everything everyone says can be original, but think before you speak. Like, do a lot of thinking. Your deathbed you will thank now you.
In the preface of my 1995 edition of The Great Gatsby, Matthew J Bruccoli writes about F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Literary miracles are the work of writers who come closer than other writers to expressing what is in their minds..."
I will never, whether through lyric, essay, nor novel, be able to fully express what I am thinking. This was a feeble attempt at expressing one small part of my opinion on a very large topic.
What is a vegan post without ANIMAL PICTURES? Here are my adorable cats, Turanga Leela and Daisy Buchanan:
Did you know that Oreos are fucking vegan? I mean, they are barely food, but they are vegan.
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