Creamy Mushroom Soup

Fuck.

"Cream of" soups are so fucking gross.

Let's say you love apples. You love apples so much that you have an apple tree in your backyard and eat one every morning. You want to keep living because you get to have your apple every morning. Then, some superior species says FUCK THAT. You have to eat white rice every morning now. It's cheaper so you have to fucking eat white rice fuck you. Also, that rice is genetically modified, covered in pesticides, riddled with preservatives, and blended with a fist full of hormones and antibiotics so you can produce 20 gallons of semen a day (I guess you are a guy, bare with me). Imagine a constant erection, ejaculating every 5 minutes. No breaks. Your dick looks like a new born baby. No, your dick looks like a recently ejected placenta. Your dick looks like the vagina the newborn just came from. Your dick feels like you're repeatedly giving birth out of it to a ball of razor blades and peanuts. You are allergic to peanuts.

For some reason, that superior species thinks that your semen is the best way to get the nutrients that it provides. Piece of your vein get in the jizz juice? No biggie, it's super fucking compromised with the shit we are forcing you to eat anyway. That species NEEDS your fucked byproduct! What's that? You can't produce any more semen? Like, it's just all blood? Welp, time to die.

Did I mention that RIGHT before we started milking your dick everyday for a year we took your child and if it was male we most likely fucking ate it? He is as much of a byproduct as your stupid fucking jizz.

Oh, and we'll just go ahead and repeat the process until we do end up gutting you. KTHX

Avocados rule.

Avocados are so fucking good for you. While this is a ".com" site, it is most definitely reputable and is the best article on avocados that I have come across: AVOCADOS

Not only do they taste delicious, but they are so creamy and they don't have any poor angelic cow blood in them.

Now, ya'll gonna think I'm fucking CRAZY for making an avocado my base for this soup, but you are the one who is fucking crazy.

Creamy Mushroom Soup

1 avocado
1 small onion
1 1/2 cups mushrooms (I used portabella because they were on sale as fuck)
1(ish) cup water
salt
pepper

Take the avocado and half of the other stuff and throw it in a blender. Add water until it is a soupy consistency. It will look super fucking gross, but grow the fuck up.

Cook the rest of the onions and mushrooms in a pan. What the fuck? I just realized I used all of these ingredients at least twice already in this blog and I barely have any posts. I don't know if it's because I'm boring or because these meals all taste SUPER different... It doesn't matter because they are ingredients that will make your blood flow so well that it actually reaches your extremities.

While those are cooking, put the blended shit in a pot on the stove and warm it up. Once the onions and mushrooms are cooked, toss 'em in the pot. Put a lot of salt in it. You are already saving your body a ton of sodium by not eating the canned stuff, so seriously, use salt.

Make a sandwich* because you are not an infant.

Besides, even if you eat this whole pot of soup, it was so good for you that you can still eat every sandwich you've ever wanted and feel good about it.

Soak yourself in your own tears of utter awe evoked from adorable pet overload as your cat shows interest in your meal.

Give her a sip of your water.

I already said it looked super gross. If this bothers you, tell yourself it is normal cream of mushroom soup, but it dressed up as wizard vomit for Halloween.

Sink dwelling soup marauder...

What can this soup be like? This soup is like gay sex? This soup is like online dating? This soup is like not watching sports. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

* The sandwich is made with some super seed filled bread, fake mayo, cucumbers, kale, and dulce seaweed. Dulce seaweed is the bacon of seaweed. It is super salty and PACKED with iodine... which, if you don't know, is not easy to obtain if you don't consume fish. I'm not joking that this sandwich was delicious. I do not use two pieces of bread for certain sandwiches. It has absolutely nothing to do with caloric intake. It's about taste ratio. I NEVER count my calories because everything I'm eating is awesome and good for you, so why the fuck would it matter? Hint: It doesn't.