Probably not, but that's because you haven't experienced my risotto. Well, I'm not a fucking idiot. It's not risotto. Risotto is the antithesis of healthy. It's also time consuming, and you are going to appreciate that extra time you saved with this recipe when you make it to that family party early enough to run around with your fucking adorable niece and nephew while your brother is too busy shoving some phallic combination of pig tongue and guts into his sad excuse for a mouth while he's jerking off in his mind over fifty men running into each other for money as half the nation watches.
This is where any other shitty blogger would shrug off the palpable ignorance by writing " 'Merica " to cut the tension he just created, but that whole backwards sarcastic bandwagon bullshit isn't funny. It's infuriating. I really dislike stereotypical southerners and I would gladly serve in another civil war or be the first to sign whatever documents needed to be signed to separate this country into two. If I were able to live another life and retain the knowledge I've gained from this one, I would dedicate the entirety of it to becoming president or some authority of this fucking country just to build lasers capable of removing states and toss 'em in the fucking ocean or outer space.
I run a constant temperature of 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
If this were facebook my status would read:
It is already cold as fuck. I'm not complaining, though. That means squash is in fucking season and you know how I feel about shit that is in season...
It's... like... better than shit... that is... not in season.
Marno's Super Fucking Simple Risotto
Ingredients:
1 butternut squash (because that is what the fuck was on sale.)
A thing of white rice (or brown rice or quinoa because you are fucking serious about your nutrient intake)
Cook the rice. Cook the squash. Pretend like you hate fish. Gut the squash like a fish. Smash up the squash guts and stir it into the rice.
Sprinkle a bit of solidified sea ejaculate (salt) on it or don't. Eat it as slow as possible in front of your loved ones because you are fucking NOT sharing.
But this isn't facebook, and while the recipe above was an adequate cerebral lover, I spent an extra five minutes to transform it into the supreme gigolo of your disgusting fucking dreams. I'm totally lying. It's still just adequate. Haha. This recipe is just like every man.
Squash Risotto For Adults (Who Think That The Words "Heavy" and "Cream" Have No Place In Their Diet, Let Alone Exist Next To One Another Consecutively (and accept their lover for who they are))
1 Delicata Squash (because it looked cool as fuck)
Like, 2 cups of cooked white rice*
1 Small Onion (or however much you want)
A bunch of sliced mushrooms **
3 of the biggest cloves of garlic you can find
A little fake milk or water
Olive oil (optional)
Garlic salt or salt
*I have previously shunned flour tortillas for lack of nutrients. That is because it was funny. I, personally, think that all tortillas (flour or other), rice (white or other), and pretty much all grainy foods are MOSTLY unimportant in your diet, unless you are a very active person. Yes, this includes quinoa. I just don't really give a fuck. Something deep in my dumb gut doesn't give a fuck about anything but fruits and vegetables. That is all that makes sense to me. Grains taste like they want you to commit suicide by math homework. That is, until you add other awesome foods to it. Then they taste like pretty okay vehicles for other food. As in, Grains are as conducive to flavor as similes are to well written prose. Point being, it is important to be mindful of what you are consuming and I certainly fucking am. So, if I want fucking white rice once the fuck in awhile then I will fucking have fucking white rice.
**I buy crimini mushrooms from Whole Foods because they are cheap and organic. I wish I saw heavy and cream next to each other as much as I saw cheap and organic next to each other. Fuck it all at the age appropriate variety of humor.
Assuming you have an oven, preheat it to something higher than 400 degrees. While you are waiting, look up the correct temperature to cook a squash at and how to cook it. They will probably tell you to do some fancy shit, but I just filled half of a baking pan with some water, cut the fucker in half, and tossed it in their gut-side down (because that is what my fiancée told me to do).
While that is baking, cook rice. Fuck.
Rice hack: Cook some garlic in the pot you are going to cook your rice in. Just for a few minutes. This is going to make your rice taste like it was supposed to be consumed by humans. Toss some water in there and cook rice how you would normally cook it. You'd better not fuck up. Rice is so fucking easy to cook.
Now you've got a squash in the oven and rice on the burner. Heat up another fucking big sauce pan. Throw some oil on there... or don't. Doesn't matter because you are just throwing onions and mushrooms in it. Keep it medium to low. On second thought, you should probably put oil in there. You wanna let these fuckers cook down. While all that shit is cooking, do a really half assed job at cleaning whatever dishes you have in the sink. It will make your meal so much more enjoyable. Also, take a picture of your cats being better than all humans and put it on the internet because for every picture of a cat I see, I punch an idiot until they decide not to procreate.
The squash should be done because it took you too long to prepare the rice and onions, but that is okay because you need to scoop out it's guts and stare at your fiancée like a fucking borderline personality case. Eat some of the guts while you are looking at her. Start to cry because food shouldn't taste that good without salt.
Instead of waiting for it to cool, just dump the water out of the pan, toss the guts in it, and pour a little fake milk or cool water on it. Mash it up with your hands. I was going to blend it to get a better consistency, but that would have meant more dishes to clean.
COMBINE ALL THE SHIT in the pan that the onions and mushrooms are cooking in. I added some garlic salt, pepper, and fresh turmeric. Put a lid on and let it simmer for a little bit.Take it off the burner and let it thicken. Shit should look pretty tight on a plate.
Put some hot sauce on it because it isn't as flavorful as you wanted.
Ugh, why the fuck wont he just end the fucking post?!
Fuck. Here is the deal, I appreciate the intentions of specific meals. I do NOT appreciate people who boast about how healthy their food is and that it "tastes just as good as the original". That is simply not true. If your audience is a healthful bunch then they will already know that whatever healthy meal you have prepared resembles the old dish and that it is extremely enjoyable because your palates have adapted. If you are talking to someone who still eats a traditional American diet, then they will look at you like you told them your snot would get them high as fuck. I have a goal in mind when I create a meal. When I think of risotto, I think "creamy". So, squash and rice satisfies that creamy aspect I desired. Hopefully it does for you too.
I mean... fuck off.
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